peter pan syndrom

I guess were growing up.

It makes me sad to think that

eventually we wont see eachother

everday or talk as often, or see

eachother at holidays... we will all

have our own lives and families

to take care of. Things will be

different.

---I'm not ready for that---

I am sorry if I am sharing too much about anyone on here because I did not change names but I'm just trying to be honest

Freshman year of High School most of my really good friends happened to be guys much to my Mothers dismay. I hung out at their houses all the time. My mom would always tell me, "it's improper for a girl to be alone with guys." I guess I never understood why because I grew up with two brothers-I was so used to being the only girl. It was natural.  I have never been a real 'girly girl' but even in my freshman  year it seemed as though guys liked me regardless. I had a MAJOR CRUSH on one of my best guy friends. This is the kind of all consuming crush where it literally hurts to go an hour without thinking about him. The kind where you purposefully stand or sit in spaces with the hope that his hand will gently brush yours. His name was Sam. He had shaggy blond hair that I dreamed a thousand times of running my hands through, baby blue eyes that I could stare into for hours. To me he seemed perfect and little rugged which is what I liked best about him. Like me, he was into classic rock which was a major plus factor. Also like  me, he was a little shy and awkward which I found adorable but really caused some problems since neither of us had enough guts to make the first move.

I remember one of the highlights of High School for me was the day he asked me to Homecoming. I had this red leather hat that I wore practically every day of Freshman year and Sam had a black hat with a Pink Floyd patch sown on it. We used to steal each others hats for fun - it was a game we played. An inside joke we used to tease each other about. Well one day we switched hats but something seemed a little off to me. At lunch Sam went with one of his really good girl friends to kings soopers and me and AJ -my other really good guy friend- went to Starbucks and they asked us to meet up later. When we regrouped later he switched hats with me again so I had my red leather one back. All the sudden everyone was just staring at me obviously waiting for me to respond. But to what? I had no idea what was happening. Sam told me to look up. So I did and realized he had taped a note to the inside bill of my hat. It said will you go to homecoming with me? Then from behind his back he pulled out a single rose and gave it to me. I told him yes and that he was so adorable and he deserved a hug. I wanted to live in that hug for the rest of eternity. It was the only school dance I was ever asked to which is sort of depressing yes but it was really sweet (despite my horrid awkwardness) and I wouldn't trade the experience for different dates to all of the other school dances. Then that winter me and my friend KJ decorated Sam's bedroom and I asked him to the snowball dance. He said yes and it was another awesome night.

We stayed friends that whole year and although we were close friends he had a lot going on in his life that I must not have known about. His mom who for the record was an awesome lady and always so nice to me got cancer- thankfully she is now a cancer free now but I imagine that must have been hard to deal with.

Then summer came and for some reason I completely lost contact with all of my best friends from Freshman year. To be honest to this day I don't know what happened. I mean, I don't remember a specific incident or anything bad. All I know is we hardly talked all summer and when school started up again I was hoping things would get back to normal. Sam and I even had an English class together but hardly talked all semester. Things didn't go back to normal. Things changed and I convinced myself that we had just drifted apart. To this day I still wonder what the hell happened?

Sophomore year was the worst year of high school. I went from having a social group I loved and busy Friday nights to no social group (vaguely associating with my friends in the drama dpt.) and hanging by myself in my room every night. I read a lot of books that year and watched a lot of tv.

I can give credit to these things that saved me:
Books: 1.The Perkes of Being a Wallflower by: Stephen Chewbosky & the classic 2) Catcher in the Rye by: J.D Salinger.
Movies that saved me: 1. Almost Famous (still saves me) 2. Donnie Darko & 3. Never been kissed.
TV: 1) The O.C- I was obsessed with this show!
Music: 1. Jet- Get born (in my opinion one of the greatest albums of all time).

---Some days I still miss freshman year---

Set to sail

The day that I let go of you-

Be it your memory or your hand-

Will be the day I am set to sail

One last time on the open ocean,

A single sail extending from my casket

My flags flying my final colors.

I will say goodbye with but a smile

And my hands will be filled with life

As they drag across your lovely waves.

-Noel I still miss you a lot especially on days like yesterday when it would have been your birthday-

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”

My emotions are all out of wack.



Early Friday morning my Mom woke me up with horrible news. As soon as the words "Noel Cunningham died last night" came out of her mouth tears began flooding like a tsunami that wouldn't stop. The whole day I was an emotional wreck (I still am). Noel Cunningham was with out a doubt the greatest and most caring man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am thankful that I got the chance to know Noel and I know I wouldn't be half the woman I am today with out his love, knowledge and guidance. He was my hero and my mentor but most of all he was my dear friend. For those of you who unfortunately never knew Noel I will tell you a little bit about his character. Noel was from Ireland originally but moved to the states in his twenties as a chef. Noel lived in Denver for a long time and was a highly regarded man in the community he served at his restaurant Strings. He was not only known for feeding you even when you were not hungry but for feeding those starving around the world. In the 1990's he traveled to Ethiopia, Africa with his wife Tammy where they witnessed horrible poverty. He left the country a man on a mission. I don't think Noel ever knew the meaning of the word "no". Shortly after he and Tammy returned from their trip they started a non profit The Cunningham Foundation who I would travel to Ethiopia with on an all expenses paid trip in 2008. Noel was consistent in always telling me how much he loved me and always reminding me that I could achieve anything I was willing to struggle for. Not only did he raise billions of dollars for those in Ethiopia during his lifetime but in the Denver community he was always providing meals for the homeless during thanksgiving, brunch for Mothers with out a family on Mothers day and anything else he could help out with. His wife and him lived simply so that others could simply live. In an article for Black Tie Colorado, Noel Cunningham was asked what he wanted his epitaph to be. His response, "I tried to live life to the fullest - to participate in life. Not just to have been a taker, I left something behind. I hope I put back a little more than I took." (https://www.blacktie-colorado.com/have-you-met/archive-detail.cfm?id=178). Noel definately accomplished this goal. Noel was a lover. I have never seen another man who loved his wife with the deep love that him and Tammy shared. I have never seen a man who loved the world and everyone in it more than Noel. I have never seen a man who loved sharing food and wisdom like he so often did. There is huge hole in my heart at this time but I am looking to the future to help fufill Noels dreams of bringing the world together, educating all peoples and ending world poverty... I want to give more than I take and truly live my life to the fullest. I know today is a step towards doing that and right now I know Noel is proud of me. To his wife Tammy: Words cannot express how sorry I am. I love you. To Noel: Thank you for changing my life, I love you & will live each day with purpose and love for all. Rest In Peace. I love you!

• http://www.9news.com/news/article/233354/188/Local-restaurant-owner-Noel-Cunningham-dies-at-62
• http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_19453879?source=rss
• http://www.coloradorapids.com/news/2011/12/plush-statement-noel-cunningham
• http://www.westword.com/1998-01-29/news/noel-cunningham/
• http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/news/2011/12/01/cunningham.html



Noel & Tammy in front of a library they help fund in Ethiopia!



That brings me to my other emotion which is happiness and excitment. Today Herry, a teacher from Tanzania, Africa who is staying with my family for two weeks arrived.My family is so glad to have him here he is truly a beautiful soul and is already teaching us so much as we are also teaching him. It's only day one so I do not have much to say but he already enjoys starbucks and chipotle so he fits right in with my family! He is currently watching Avatar (not sure if he 100% knows whats going on but he seems to be enjoying it) we also played the card game war (I think it bored him but it was the only 2 player game I could think of..).

Next emotion... oh are finals really only two weeks away? well shit! Now im STRESSING THE FUCK OUT!

Love your heart broken, excited, stressed friend,
Andrea

 

 

-- "Live a life that demands explination."--

FUCK!

So here I am writing which is pretty much all I seem to be doing lately... just not so much on here. To be honest life's pretty shitty right now. I keep fucking everything up. Everything is fucked up. At least the doctors know whats wrong with me now... I have been diagnosed with several things (they all suck...) I hate this house. I hate a lot of shit right now. Trying to stay positive but I don't know if I can... I'll be fine just need to give it time.

SMASH PHOTOGRAPHY! LIFE PHOTOGRAPHY!

So, I haven't posted anything of significance in quite a long time. I guess I cant say much except that life is flying by. Lots of school work, lots of work work and some fun has been thrown in their as well. Over all it's been good! Last weekend one of my best friends Nicole Skaff came to town... it was the best time I have had in forever! Man do I miss EVERYONE at Mesa :( I am excited for this weekend... I will be participating in the Denver Zombie Crawl (they are attempting to break a world record for worlds largest Zombie crawl last year was 20,000 strong). But even more exciting on that day Joe Ginsberg will be back in town and will be playing a small show with is new band Baywood at Illegal Petes!!! :D Tomorrow I am going to visit the Occupy Denver protest to get some to information and ideas for my creative non fiction piece due Friday. I am very intrigued by everything that is happening around me. We live in such interesting times! Also planning a trip out with my brother next summer to do a two(ish) week hike of the Appalachian Trail!!! So good... Also, I have been in and out of doctors offices... need to get more blood testing done. Also, my grandpa is really sick probably wont live much longer :( I miss him...

SMASH PHOTOGRAPHY!

So, I haven't posted anything of significance in quite a long time. I guess I cant say much except that life is flying by. Lots of school work, lots of work work and some fun has been thrown in their as well. Over all it's been good! Last weekend one of my best friends Nicole Skaff came to town... it was the best time I have had in forever! Man do I miss EVERYONE at Mesa :( I am excited for this weekend... I will be participating in the Denver Zombie Crawl (they are attempting to break a world record for worlds largest Zombie crawl last year was 20,000 strong). But even more exciting on that day Joe Ginsberg will be back in town and will be playing a small show with is new band Baywood at Illegal Petes!!! :D Tomorrow I am going to visit the Occupy Denver protest to get some to information and ideas for my creative non fiction piece due Friday. I am very intrigued by everything that is happening around me. We live in such interesting times! Also planning a trip out with my brother next summer to do a two(ish) week hike of the Appalachian Trail!!! So good...

The Buried Lights Contest Entry

The Buried Lights Contest Entry

Dear Megan,

Laura, Me ,Pearl, Megan & Kevan celebrating Megans 21st!

Yesterday was one of my Oldest and Best friends 21st birthdays! I have known her 10 years. I met Megan in 6th grade science class with Mr. Burke. The first time we hung out I made up and sang "The Jelly Bean" song to her. Our older brothers were in the same grade and were best friends (they still are). I have always considered Adam (her brother) like a brother to me. I grew up with her family just as she grew up with mine. Last night we celebrated! It had probably been a year since i'd last seen her (I see Adam more than I see Megan) but if felt as if no time had passed at all. That right there is a true friend!

Psalm 30

¹ I will exalt you, LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
³ You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

⁶ When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
⁷ LORD, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain^[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

⁸ To you, LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
⁹ “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me;
LORD, be my help.”

¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
¹² that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

So my College news paper does this amazing column called "On the Record" where people write about an album/ band that has impacted their life and the stories behind it. I pick up the Met every week just read this section. I knew as soon as I saw it that I wanted to contribute. So tonight I wrote my own piece and I contacted them about how to submit my work. Hopefully it will be published soon! You can view past submissions here: http://www.metnews.org/category/features/audiofiles/on-the-record/ Seriously there are tons of 'em. any music lover would appreciate them.

I feel HURT among other things...

It seems that I've forgotten how to cry

Looks like life is teaching me again

I am friendless; lifeless; loveless

Saw the little brother of the boy I once loved.

 He skate boarded by me on my work break.

Denver

I feel so lonely

in this big 'ol city

times a wasted

when there's no one


to waste time with

Basically to sum up everything I am about to write in this post into one sentence.... Life is crazy intense.
So if you wish, you can stop reading here and forget all the boring almost tedious details of my life.
S               T                  O                P      
(if you wish)

The past few days at my new school have been different, challenging and exciting. There are some major things I love about the Auraria Campus and some major things I miss about Mesa. This semester I am taking 17 credit hours (a Spanish class that is 5 credits, 3different English classes and a Special Education class). Here are some of my favorite parts of camps.

St. Cajetan’s Center

St. Cajetan’s Center

The Tivoli Student Union

One of Denver’s earliest breweries, the Tivoli is a striking architectural example of the city's flamboyant past. Originally named the Colorado Brewery in 1866, Tivoli was founded by German immigrant Moritz Sigi. Subsequent owner Max Melsheimer added the prominent seven story mansard tower and the Turnhalle opera house. In 1901 brewer John Good took over operations, renaming the building Tivoli after the famous gardens in Copenhagen, Denmark.

The Tivoli was one of the most successful breweries in the Rockies, and one of the few to survive prohibition. A major flood and labor strikes forced its closure in 1969. When the Auraria Campus was built, a private developer leased the building and restored it as a specialty shopping center. In 1991, students voted to buy back the lease and renovate the building as a combination retail center and student union.

View from campus of down town

New view!

Light rail- I take it to and from school each day its a 45 minute ride each way. It also a great place to people watch!

The Aurarua Library what a unique bldg.

Ninth Street Historic Park

At the heart of the Auraria Campus, thirteen restored Victorian cottages and one turn-of-the century grocery store serve as a picturesque reminder of the city’s earliest days. The structures on Ninth Street Historic Park, built between 1872 and 1906, comprise the oldest restored block of residences in the city. Ninth Street houses now serve as campus offices. A self-guided walking tour at each building provides information on architecture and early residents. There is no charge for visiting the Park.

This old grocery store in 9th street is now a fantastic Einstine Bros hang out!

*********************************************************************************

My campus has it's own movie theatre!

Auraria campus is comprised of three different schools: Colorado University at Denver, Metropolitan State College of Denver and Community College of Denver (Note: no matter what school you attend you can take many classes at any of the three schools). This combined with the urban setting makes it the perfect back drop for a diverse student campus. Walking around campus I have seen students age 18-80 conversing, people of all ethnic backgrounds interacting, and every sterotype you can imagine. I saw buisness men in suites wearing Cachos, student drum circles, preppy fashionistas, a man dressed like superman on stilts, a homeless man selling The Voice (which is Denvers homeless newspapper written by the homeless, sold by the homeless, providing money for the homeless), a lady asking for signatures to legalize marajuana, and someone from Children International asking me to support a child all in the same block. It's a little well ok alot overwhelming trying to find your own spot at a place thats already crowded but its also so easy for me to get hooked on the mosaic of this campus. I am still finding my nich, trying to make friends, trying to make Metro the home that Mesa became to me for two years. I'm working on it. I'm jumping in to this crazy pool of people and learning to stand where I fit best. 

Mirror mirror on the wall...

I’m staring at my worst enemy and it’s me that’s looking back

With a nose the size of Mount Everest

And black heads like pot holes on an old worn down road

Eyes like mud puddles covered by thick dark glasses

Teeth like a jig saw puzzle

Arms not flabby but weak

Breasts much bigger than necessary

A stomach that says I love a late night snack

Scars across my hips, thighs and legs

Cover up the slight beauty of my soccer toned calves

Wide feet caused by my barefoot habit and mother’s genes

I am imperfection.

You are the only exception.

GO BIG THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION! 

So, I know I am not the best writer out there but I intend to improve. I am amazing at writing essays that allow me to do research and I've been writing poetry & short stories since 6th grade but I know I need to improve in those last two areas. That is why I am entering three poetry contest and one short story contest. The themes are as follows:

What is on your bucket list?

Flash Fiction Writing

Faith

Love

bye!

Tick Tock!

Time really passes fast, just yesterday I was graduating High school now people I graduated with are passing away it's so sad because they are so young. Most recently..... http://www.kwgn.com/news/kdvr-colorado-woman-falls-to-death-from-cliff-in-italy-20110815,0,381574.story Honestly, we weren't friends... not even casual acquaintance's. I'm truly heartbroken for those who love her and were positively touched by her life . I am forgiving and wishing peace for her friends and family. 

"Only the good die young" -Billy Joel

I watch as the sun rises above the Rocky Mountains
I draw in deep breaths from the crisp, cool air
I am twenty- a Colorado native
and this is the first time I have snuck out of my house at dawn to watch the sun set
As the sun creeps over the still snow topped peaks
it's like I can feel all my anxieties floating up into the atmosphere

Better choices

Do you know whats been bothering me a lot lately?


Up to 100 million people are homeless throughout the world, the majority of them women and dependent children.


&


Every day, some 50,000 people, mostly women and children, die as a result of poor shelter, polluted water and inadequate sanitation.


Seriously just think about that. 


To put it in perspective, the population of Colorado is around 5,024,748. Imagine if the population Colorado and 9 other states of a similar size were all homeless? To put it in perspective the United states Population is around 307,006,550. Imagine if 1/3 of our population were homeless. 


Really, I must admit it's not just these disturbing statistics that bother me. It's the fact that I (& my family) live a lifestyle that does nothing to change this statistic. We own a house that is MUCH bigger than we need and a lot of shit to fill it with. We have a bedroom that goes empty over 300 days of the year. All of our bedrooms and  communal rooms have a television set in them. We have more than enough food to feed our family and my Mom is actually pretty good about not wasting food but still a lot of it goes to waste. I have a king size bathtub that I often fill up to  the top with sanitary water that most of the undeveloped world desperately needs to survive. Oh and we purchase bottled water which is the biggest environmental absurdity. I often talk about how I want to change the world. Well it starts with me & it starts with my home. I am not sure if I can do it. Can I really give up my TV? Can I really sell and donate all the shit that clutters up my room? Can I make a conscious effort to use less water and start using a water bottle? I doubt I'll convince my parents to let strangers start staying in that empty room but I'll start small. These changes will not occur all at once. Heck, I may horribly fail but, I am done sitting on the sidelines. I choose right now to make better decisions for our world, for his world. 

Steve Jobs is the definition of brilliance.

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. - Apple Inc.

The girl who asked the guy

So here I am 

I'M playing the guy

I get down on one knee and say

Baby wont you marry me

'Cuz all thats guaranteed is today 

Usually its the guy who asks the girl 

in some fairy tale setting 

on the top of the world 

So here I am 

It's 2am 

the moon's shining bright 

on this 'oh dark night

'Cuz all that's guaranteed is today 

Hey baby

I like the way you get shy when I smile

Don't you know your better the me by a mile?

Lets grow old 

Together we  can go out of style

'Cuz all thats guaranteed is today 

I'M the girl who asked the guy

He took my breath away

Jeans and tees that's what he wears

I'M not the kind of girl who cares

His arms wrap around me as the whole world breaks

His smile melts my soul 

And I'M his to take 

'Cuz all thats guaranteed is today 

So what do ya say?

Dedicated to Tya

I met Tya my freshman year of college at Mesa State. She was actually the FIRST friend I made at Mesa. I was sitting outside of Tolman Hall alone and scared. I remember sitting there on that bench praying God if you are real please let me make a friend here. About a minute later Tya walked up all confident and spunky and said "Hi I'm Tya!"

The next thing I knew she was leading me through the court yard where we stopped to meet every person we passed. I went to Mesa not knowing a soul and left two years later with a girl I can call my sister in Christ. After that first day and later on in the semester she became my next door neighbor and we had English class together every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. In our dorm we had some memorable times like: watching RENT, dying my hair blue and ruining the shower (sorry third floor girls), and  the time I stole her roommates keys just so I could hit her with a pillow...she came back at me with a breakfast bar. Then in class Tya inspired me with her writings and introduced me to one of my greatest loves, slam poetry. After class we would go have shenanigans as Tya would call it - basically we went to eat lunch. Freshman year passed and summer came and went. Then sophomore year me and Tya lived in different dorms (it was weird). We didn't see each other as much but when we did it was always that much more special. Then second semester sophomore year Tya accepted Christ and we started to have similar friends. We even went on a retreat together up in the San Juan's. Then she informed me she was joining the NAVY and she had me work out with her at the gym to start getting in shape. I thought I was going to die. My abs were sore for a week but she kept pushing me and I kept pushing her.

Now, this beautiful and brave young woman is in the Navy and left for Chicago six days ago. I heard the song posted up above tonight and immediately thought of Tya. My Grandpa was in the Navy During WWII and I am very thankful for the men and women who have joined it and served our country. I love my friend Tya!

-A

You should give me your phone number so we can still be friends...

Ps. This message is one of the many encrypted messages I have left for you here. Sometimes I wonder if you do the same on yours...

Wonderingly, A

awakened in the night

Sometimes I get this horrible feeling and I wake up in the middle of the night frightened. I wake up because I am afraid that I'm not doing enough. I wake up with the feeling that if I died right here and now I wouldn't be remembered after my death for anything significant. If I died right here and now I wouldn't be content with the life I have lived. It's a terrible feeling to never be satisfied. I am always wanting something new, something different then I get to where ever it is I've ventured off too and I just want to move on to the next big thing. I need to get out of here. These four walls are killing me! I hate the normalcy of this life I am leading and being confined to this house. I want a lot of things right now but, mostly I want someone to tell me this is normal to tell me it's ok. I want to stop wanting.

Lullaby

I can't sleep because I know that tomorrow between 11am-2pm I will possibly receive a call that could change my life. I want this so bad. It would literally be the opportunity of a lifetime.

I can't sleep because for once I am excited about my new school.

I can't sleep because I NEED to plan.

I can't sleep because I don't want to miss any of the beauty that life has to offer even that it's 2am why am I still awake beauty.

I can't sleep because I keep listing all the odd hobbies/ things I get really addicted to and then never peruse. These are things I still want to do.

I can't sleep because now I feel the need to list said odd addictions I have had...

• Learning to screen print t shirts- Last summer I really wanted to start my own t shirt business (still want to) I rented every book the library offered on it. Read every online article. I could probably teach someone how to screen print despite having never done it myself. Why did I give up? It costs too much for the materials. 
• Making hemp jewelry- I actually got pretty good at this and made some pretty rad shit if I do say so myself. I know all different kinds of knots and where to buy the cheapest supplies. 
• Geocaching- Learned about it in the movie splinter heads and I'm actually still pretty addicted and involved in it. 
• Hiking the Appalachian trail- Watched the movie Southbounders which is about this lady who does a through hike of the trail which is where you hike it all in one go- stopping to sleep of course. I decided then that I want to hike at least a portion of the trail including Kahtad. I will be getting a backpack soon which will further my ambition. I got so addicted to learning about the trail last semester that I watched every documentary about it and spent five straight hours straight reading the blog entries of a lady who through hiked it. 
• And my recent obsession... Learning to play the harmonica. You have NO idea how many youtube video's i've watched on it. I hope to buy a harmonica soon. I have already looked up free tab to songs I want to play and learned how to read it. 

I CANT SLEEP AND YOUR MY ONLY LULLABY.

"how many days do we live and forget, how many weekends do we have trouble recalling? is the phenomenon of living so abundant that it warrants waste?"

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7166313n

Wish I had superior autobiographical memory.

Gosh I'm just so excited about life :)

I sit in my suburban house, windows open. The fireworks sound like the bombs that used to explode in Vietnam. For most people on this day this sound rings of freedom and patriotism but for me a former solider it just brings back memories. It reminds me of names and places that have faded away with the years. Jack 23 Vietnam, Michael 18 Iwo Jima and Seth 26 Vietnam. Though years may have passed the memories are crystal clear. Sometimes I eat a certain type of food and I am immediately back at base camp with my boys talking shit and surviving one day at a time. Sometimes a smell will ignite a memory but tonight it's the sounds and the smoke that take me back to a very different time when I was a very different man. So here I sit window partially down curled up in bed with my dog Mike as my wife and children sit out on the lawn staring at the bright red, white and blue lights filled with hope like so many others. They don't come looking for me, they know and that's ok.

saw this dude at Nebraskaland days this song is stuck in my head... (kinda funny)

I wish life was less suckish ..... I want to write lovely things on here but I just can't.


*I'm sorry *I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm wrong *I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry *I'm lonely *I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry *I'm scared *I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm lost *I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry *I'm changing *I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm not perfect *I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm trying*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm sorry*I'm done.