24.12.14
I have the overwhelming urge to cry over a boy. I have never done that. I have never cried over a boy I liked. Even as a teenager. I usually keep myself pretty guarded from rejection. I have extremely low self esteem... I know I'm not pretty so I usually don't out myself out there which is why I have had a total of one boy friend ever. I liked you so much and I was convinced for once that a boy no man actually liked me back. You told me I was cute, and sexy and that my brain was sexy too. You would tell me to sleep that we could share more of the world together in the morning. I mailed you a fucking package. I put a lot of thought into that shit. I was constantly glued to my phone, making sure it was always charged just in case you texted me. I stayed up late until you got off work. Maybe I shared too much with you too fast? Maybe I was too honest? I tend to do this thing where I just share my feelings and say whatever is on my mind. I told you how much I liked you so you responded by not responding at all.
19.12.14
The continuing saga of that boy.
Looks like we are back to not talking. I sent the last text three days ago. I want to text him but I am being stubborn and waiting until he responds.
I have so much self doubt and so many self confidence issues but I just keep telling myself that I am fucking awesome and if he can't realize that than he is missing out and not the other way around. I keep trying to tell myself that any guy would be lucky to have me but I know deep down that's not true.
I have so much self doubt and so many self confidence issues but I just keep telling myself that I am fucking awesome and if he can't realize that than he is missing out and not the other way around. I keep trying to tell myself that any guy would be lucky to have me but I know deep down that's not true.
14.12.14
Limbo, twenty three, a boy.
I feel like I am in limbo. I am constantly in this like awkward transition. I am changing a lot from the girl I used to be. I am more bold in some aspects and yet still shy and awkward in my most daily interactions. A lot has happened; a lot is happening. I really want to write about my job ( I want to be able to look back on these memories of my first year in teaching) but every time I try to sit down and put it into words nothing comes out. I am not sure if I am exactly where I am supposed to be or if I am still missing something major.
I am the only one in my core friend group who is not living with there parents in the same suburban area we all grew up in together. This makes it hard to relate to them on some level and to really discuss if what I am feeling is normal for twenty three. There's also this boy. The boy I wrote somewhat scathingly about in my last post. Not long after that post things got somewhat back to normal between the two of us. I like him a lot. Maybe too much. I can't tell if he still likes me (in that way). Sometimes I wonder if I truly like him or if I like the attention he gives me, Let's be honest I am not a girl who gets a lot of attention from guys (this is rare!) so it does feel nice to have someone who goes out of their way to text you, or send you a cute selfie, or flirt with you, or call you babe, and tell you that "he's sweet on you". However; these things have been happening less and less recently. I used to stay up until after midnight when his shift ended just so I could text him good night. We'd sometimes stay up texting until 5 am when I had to go to work, Now we still text everyday but it's not the same, I wonder if he is bored of me, I know that a few months before we met he got out of a pretty serious relationship and isn't looking to jump into anything right away. I mean he has made it clear to me that for now we are just friends and I have made it clear to him that I like him and whatever happens with that is up to him, I even mailed him a handwritten letter, a drawing, a mix tape on a flash drive, and a headphone splitter (he is a musician and has talked about coming to visit me soon from BoCo so I said we could use it to listen to music together, I painted a C on one side for him and an A on the other for me). He liked the gift a lot... I am such a dork, He even showed it off to his roommate but it's been a bit now and no concrete plans of us actually meeting have been in the works, I know money is tight for him too and that neither of us have a car but I really just want to meet him, hold his hand, hug him, listen to music together and watch Netflix. I also worry that he wont like me. I mean he knows what I look like but I worry that he wont think I am pretty in person. I worry too much this I know but still it makes me smile just to know he thinks about me sometimes. We have good conversations and I have fun flirting with him so in the end I just try to leave it at that and not over think shit so much, Fingers crossed that it all works out.
I am the only one in my core friend group who is not living with there parents in the same suburban area we all grew up in together. This makes it hard to relate to them on some level and to really discuss if what I am feeling is normal for twenty three. There's also this boy. The boy I wrote somewhat scathingly about in my last post. Not long after that post things got somewhat back to normal between the two of us. I like him a lot. Maybe too much. I can't tell if he still likes me (in that way). Sometimes I wonder if I truly like him or if I like the attention he gives me, Let's be honest I am not a girl who gets a lot of attention from guys (this is rare!) so it does feel nice to have someone who goes out of their way to text you, or send you a cute selfie, or flirt with you, or call you babe, and tell you that "he's sweet on you". However; these things have been happening less and less recently. I used to stay up until after midnight when his shift ended just so I could text him good night. We'd sometimes stay up texting until 5 am when I had to go to work, Now we still text everyday but it's not the same, I wonder if he is bored of me, I know that a few months before we met he got out of a pretty serious relationship and isn't looking to jump into anything right away. I mean he has made it clear to me that for now we are just friends and I have made it clear to him that I like him and whatever happens with that is up to him, I even mailed him a handwritten letter, a drawing, a mix tape on a flash drive, and a headphone splitter (he is a musician and has talked about coming to visit me soon from BoCo so I said we could use it to listen to music together, I painted a C on one side for him and an A on the other for me). He liked the gift a lot... I am such a dork, He even showed it off to his roommate but it's been a bit now and no concrete plans of us actually meeting have been in the works, I know money is tight for him too and that neither of us have a car but I really just want to meet him, hold his hand, hug him, listen to music together and watch Netflix. I also worry that he wont like me. I mean he knows what I look like but I worry that he wont think I am pretty in person. I worry too much this I know but still it makes me smile just to know he thinks about me sometimes. We have good conversations and I have fun flirting with him so in the end I just try to leave it at that and not over think shit so much, Fingers crossed that it all works out.
2.11.14
I don't quite know how to start this post. It has been awhile since I have found the time to write down my thoughts and I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin.
I am now 4 months in to my first year of teaching and I am surviving (and hell I'll even dare say sometimes thriving at what I do). I'll write more on this later (too much to say here... I need to organize my thoughts).
I am 3 months in to living on my own for the first time (paying rent without my parents help, buying my own groceries and doing my own laundry). There are times when I really like living on my own and then there are the nights that seem too long with no one to talk to and the loneliness can be overwhelming. My best friends live an hour away (as does my family) which is why I have spent almost every weekend at my parents.
I live in a "hip, young neighborhood" and have yet to connect with anyone besides my coworkers. How do people my age make friends now days? Tinder. I downloaded Tinder, uploaded my best photos, wrote a little about me, swipped and waited. And then an adorable musician asked me, "what foods do you enjoy cooking?" I responded, we chatted, I flirted, he enticed me with his vast music knowledge, we watched movies over Netflix together, he flirted even more, we exchanged selfies, and for the first time in years in was really really excited about a guy. Then one night when we were flirting he asked me if I was a virgin. I replied truthfully that yes I was. He got freaked out. Said oh I still like you but thats too much pressure. I don't know how thats any pressure. I wasn't asking him for sex. All I was asking for was conversation (which flowed easy for us) and yes the flirting was nice. He made me feel special. For once I felt attractive and young. Now we send an occasional text to each other but nothing more. No more flirtatious responses, no more music chats and no more Netflix movie nights over the phone. It makes me feel like shit. Like I don't matter... Like our previous conversation and connection doesn't matter. I know it was only like 2 months but it can still sting. The after effects are lingering. I hate being reduced to a sexual act. Not having anyone to talk to makes the hard stuff at work even harder. I don't know what twenty three is supposed to feel like... Maybe this is it.
I am now 4 months in to my first year of teaching and I am surviving (and hell I'll even dare say sometimes thriving at what I do). I'll write more on this later (too much to say here... I need to organize my thoughts).
I am 3 months in to living on my own for the first time (paying rent without my parents help, buying my own groceries and doing my own laundry). There are times when I really like living on my own and then there are the nights that seem too long with no one to talk to and the loneliness can be overwhelming. My best friends live an hour away (as does my family) which is why I have spent almost every weekend at my parents.
I live in a "hip, young neighborhood" and have yet to connect with anyone besides my coworkers. How do people my age make friends now days? Tinder. I downloaded Tinder, uploaded my best photos, wrote a little about me, swipped and waited. And then an adorable musician asked me, "what foods do you enjoy cooking?" I responded, we chatted, I flirted, he enticed me with his vast music knowledge, we watched movies over Netflix together, he flirted even more, we exchanged selfies, and for the first time in years in was really really excited about a guy. Then one night when we were flirting he asked me if I was a virgin. I replied truthfully that yes I was. He got freaked out. Said oh I still like you but thats too much pressure. I don't know how thats any pressure. I wasn't asking him for sex. All I was asking for was conversation (which flowed easy for us) and yes the flirting was nice. He made me feel special. For once I felt attractive and young. Now we send an occasional text to each other but nothing more. No more flirtatious responses, no more music chats and no more Netflix movie nights over the phone. It makes me feel like shit. Like I don't matter... Like our previous conversation and connection doesn't matter. I know it was only like 2 months but it can still sting. The after effects are lingering. I hate being reduced to a sexual act. Not having anyone to talk to makes the hard stuff at work even harder. I don't know what twenty three is supposed to feel like... Maybe this is it.
19.4.14
I write so that in the future I may remember my past.
I rarely ever log on to here any more. In fact, I rarely ever write just for myself. I think there is something important about writing and preserving memories--little bits and pieces of your life that you can look back at years later. Knowing who you are at the very core--bruises and all-- and where you have come from is I believe essential when looking to be fulfilled in any meaningful way. Awhile ago, I thought about just abandoning this blog but today as I logged on for the first time in months, I felt proud staring at my blog archive going back to 2009, a total of 249 posts--starting from my senior year in high school all the way through my college career.
Another way that I like to keep track of time and memories are these Polaroid post cards. I write a letter to myself on my birthday each year and than the next year I open and read it. On the outside I include quotes, songs, poems and my most recent FaceBook status. On this inside I write a short letter which usually includes; musings, my goals/dreams and any personal stuff I want to look back on (sometimes these are embarassing). I have these postcards laid out all the way until 2033 when I will turn 41 years old. Below are photos of the card I wrote myself last year for this year as well as the new card I wrote which I will open in a year. I also, found $20 that I had left for myself when I sealed the card last year--happy birthday to me!
Another way that I like to keep track of time and memories are these Polaroid post cards. I write a letter to myself on my birthday each year and than the next year I open and read it. On the outside I include quotes, songs, poems and my most recent FaceBook status. On this inside I write a short letter which usually includes; musings, my goals/dreams and any personal stuff I want to look back on (sometimes these are embarassing). I have these postcards laid out all the way until 2033 when I will turn 41 years old. Below are photos of the card I wrote myself last year for this year as well as the new card I wrote which I will open in a year. I also, found $20 that I had left for myself when I sealed the card last year--happy birthday to me!
Written on March 26, 2013
To be opened on Match 26, 2014
Age 22-23 years old
Songs/ Poems:
22- Taylor Swift
Let that be enough- Switchfoot
This year and how to survive- Chad Sugg
Most recent FaceBook status:
"On lifes constant limitations- Calvin: You know Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship under pants don't help."
"Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do; there are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the Earth." -Rumi
"Hello Selfie!
Wow today you turned 22 but, as you are reading this you are 23. This past year ha been one of the toughest in my life. When you read this I hope that school hasn't been making you feel so suffocated. I hope that student teaching is good! I hope life is good! Do you still see M** the Starbucks cutie? Do you work at TCBY? I hope you always remember the pain you felt at 21 so that you never feel that way again. You are beautiful! You are smart! You are strong! You are enough! Are you spending time wih God? Because, he is truly the only one who can help you in life. I hope at 23 you still want to do the Peace Corps or teach in Africa! Stay as young and idealistic at heart for as long as possible.
Love,
22 year old you!
XoXo
21.1.14
The sacred act of sharing meals
It wasn't until I had spent a few years living away from home--five hours away to be exact--at college that my belief in the sacred act of sharing meals became foundational to many of my core beliefs.
I grew up in what I thought was a normal suburban household. My family ate dinner together practically every single night. The table was filled with laughter, stories from everyones day, political debates and my mother reminding us to appreciate her food because there were children starving elsewhere. I thought that every family had the luxuary of eating meals together and of the quality time spent around the table. It wasn't until I was in high school and college that I began to realize what a rarity this actually was. Many of my friends had parents who worked late, or siblings whos busy after school schedules conflicted with one another so they were left eating at staggered times.
My first year living in the dorms--I absolutly dreaded the days when my friends were busy, when we had conflicting class schedules and when I was forced to eat alone. However; I charished the moments and there were many of them when I would have 10-15 friends crammed at a table once again sharing laughs and stories. At this time in my life these close friends became a family. I remember sitting over dinner--in the "Mav Pav" as we called it at the time--when I broke down and told my friends that I had found out earlier that afternoon that my Grandfather had passed away. They ssupported me with encouraging Bible verses as I chowed down on the greasy and delicious pizza.
Since moving back to Denver I have witnessed how communal meals build relationshps. Ironically, I have been provided a free meal fom my homeless friend Marcus. We have sat outside and shared PBJs while we discussed eduation, God, our pasts and our futures. This was one of my first interactions with Marcus--a man I now consider a friend. I once bought a meal for a student who left his wallet at home. We ate together and I realized then how much two complete strangers could have in common. Altough I haven't run into him again this was a moment that positivly touched and changed me. I quit believing the old addage "stranger danger"--well at least not in all circumstances. Another time I was asked out to lunch by a homeless man who invited me to eat the free food at Saint Francis with him. We sat on the Church steps and I vivdly remember him telling me that someday I would be a great teacher who would change the world. His words touched me. I was involved in a sacred moment through the act of meal sharing with a man I unfortunately never saw again.
I have shared frozen yogurt with a street performer on 16th street mall, chowed on Thi food with a high school friend I hadn't seen in years, and built relationships around the philosophy that there is something sacred and Christ-like about sharing meals.
I grew up in what I thought was a normal suburban household. My family ate dinner together practically every single night. The table was filled with laughter, stories from everyones day, political debates and my mother reminding us to appreciate her food because there were children starving elsewhere. I thought that every family had the luxuary of eating meals together and of the quality time spent around the table. It wasn't until I was in high school and college that I began to realize what a rarity this actually was. Many of my friends had parents who worked late, or siblings whos busy after school schedules conflicted with one another so they were left eating at staggered times.
My first year living in the dorms--I absolutly dreaded the days when my friends were busy, when we had conflicting class schedules and when I was forced to eat alone. However; I charished the moments and there were many of them when I would have 10-15 friends crammed at a table once again sharing laughs and stories. At this time in my life these close friends became a family. I remember sitting over dinner--in the "Mav Pav" as we called it at the time--when I broke down and told my friends that I had found out earlier that afternoon that my Grandfather had passed away. They ssupported me with encouraging Bible verses as I chowed down on the greasy and delicious pizza.
Since moving back to Denver I have witnessed how communal meals build relationshps. Ironically, I have been provided a free meal fom my homeless friend Marcus. We have sat outside and shared PBJs while we discussed eduation, God, our pasts and our futures. This was one of my first interactions with Marcus--a man I now consider a friend. I once bought a meal for a student who left his wallet at home. We ate together and I realized then how much two complete strangers could have in common. Altough I haven't run into him again this was a moment that positivly touched and changed me. I quit believing the old addage "stranger danger"--well at least not in all circumstances. Another time I was asked out to lunch by a homeless man who invited me to eat the free food at Saint Francis with him. We sat on the Church steps and I vivdly remember him telling me that someday I would be a great teacher who would change the world. His words touched me. I was involved in a sacred moment through the act of meal sharing with a man I unfortunately never saw again.
I have shared frozen yogurt with a street performer on 16th street mall, chowed on Thi food with a high school friend I hadn't seen in years, and built relationships around the philosophy that there is something sacred and Christ-like about sharing meals.
A short & sweet magnetic poem I wrote awhile ago.
1.1.14
Welcome to 2014
Spent last night, ringing in the new year and celebrating Watch Night (despite doctors recommendations that I stay home because of pneumonia) with the band 'The Oh Hello's'. Sang Christmas music to beating banjos, violins, accordions, drums and harmony's that sang praise to Gods glory with two of my oldest and best friends.
"This is a brief life but in its brevity it offers us some splendid moments, some meaningful adventures." -Rudyard Kipling
Unfortunately, during my winter break I have been sick; just hoping to heal before student teaching begins in less than a week (I am really excited/ nervous!!).
I am very excited to begin this year and the next chapter of my life!!!
I watched this video a few weeks ago, and along with some research I have decided that I am very interested in Quakerism and becoming a Quaker Friend. I feel a spiritual calling and kinship into the Quaker faith community from God.
I have no new years resolutions; I only hope to be happy, healthy & faithful to follow God down whatever spiritual path he leads me. Blessings be to all!
"This is a brief life but in its brevity it offers us some splendid moments, some meaningful adventures." -Rudyard Kipling
Unfortunately, during my winter break I have been sick; just hoping to heal before student teaching begins in less than a week (I am really excited/ nervous!!).
I am very excited to begin this year and the next chapter of my life!!!
I watched this video a few weeks ago, and along with some research I have decided that I am very interested in Quakerism and becoming a Quaker Friend. I feel a spiritual calling and kinship into the Quaker faith community from God.
I have no new years resolutions; I only hope to be happy, healthy & faithful to follow God down whatever spiritual path he leads me. Blessings be to all!
- Philippians 3:13-14
No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. (NLT)
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