Flash back: favorite writing of mine

http://drea-heartoflife.blogspot.com/2010/07/playing-for-change.html

I go to the airport

Hop on the first 409

It’s Denver to Dallas

The city’s asleep tonight

I’m buying time

I look out the window

The world at my finger tips

Possibilities endless

I don’t know where to go with this

Guitar on my back

What it’s like to feel young

The freedom is freeing

But the dreams all sound dumb

I don’t want a nine to five

I don’t want to settle down just yet

I don’t want to leave this world with even one regret

I walk the streets

As the people walk to the bars

I am starting to realize this city is ours

I won’t sleep for days

As I watch the kids play

Guitar on my back

What it’s like to feel young

The freedom is freeing

But the dreams all sound dumb

The man on the corner

Holding a sign for change

But he doesn’t want money

Although it might sound strange

He's playing for change

old old old

This was my first blog post on 24.06.09 http://drea-heartoflife.blogspot.com/2009/06/nothing-great-in-world-has-ever-been.html
I have since written 215 posts. Kinda crazy to re read all my old stuff.

Perfect Lyrics right now: Ready to Fall by Rise Against

Hold on slow down again from the top now and tell me everything
I know I've been gone for what seems like forever
But I'm here now waiting
To convince you that I'm not a ghost or a stranger
But closer than you think
She said just go on 
To what you pretend is your life
But please don't die on me

Wings won't take me
Heights don't faze me
So take a step
But don't look down
Take a step

Now I'm standing on the rooftop, ready to fall
I'm think I'm at the edge now but I could be wrong
I'm standing on a rooftop ready to fall

Perpetual motion, the image won't focus
A blur is all that's seen
But here in this moment like the eye of the storm
It all came clear to me
I found a shoulder to lean on
An infallible reason to live all by itself
I took one last look from the heights that I once loved
And then I ran like hell

Wings won't take me
Heights don't faze me
So take a step
But don't look down
Take a step

Now I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall
I'm think I'm at the edge now but I could be wrong
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall

I count the times that I've been sorry
I know, I know
Now my compassion slowly drowns
I know, I know
If there's a time these walls could guard you
I know, I know
Then let that time be right now

Now I'm standing on the rooftop
Now I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall
I'm think I'm at the edge now but I could be wrong
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall

Now I'm standing on the rooftop (ready to fall)
Now I'm standing on the rooftop (ready to fall)
Now I'm standing on a rooftop (ready to fall)
Now I'm standing on a rooftop ready to fall

Take off your blinders

You're so focused on Her or who you think She is, you hold Her on a pedestal so high it's not even fair or realistic. Take off your blinders and you will see a million amazing women all around. I know She's gorgeous by typical standards but really is that all?  I mean come on I thought you were a little deeper than that, I guess you're still swimming in the kiddy pool call me when your ready for the deep end. I'm out.

That's right Justin Marcus this is for you my dear.

Dear Starbucks Boys,

Thank you. I don't come into Starbucks every time I work nearby because I can't live without my iced caramel coffee, I come in because I have a somewhat HUGE crush on two of the barristas there. Thank you for the occasionally free coffee, the warm smile and the witty banter. Thank you for allowing me to flirt, I missed doing that. I did a Facebook search of your name + Starbucks and guess what you showed up first, three friends in common... turns out we graduated together. Who knew? Maybe if I had known you in high school things would be different. I want to add you on Facebook, but I think that's too obvious, too weird, to creepy. I want to slide my number across the table when I pick up my coffee but we work close by each other and if you thought I was a weirdo I wouldn't be able to hide. I want to be more than a casual acquaintance or customer. I want to ask you to take a break together sometime and go eat real quick... is that too obvious? O' wise soulful Starbucks boy.. what do I do?

--Me

Veronica Mars

Veronica: So what are you like now?
Logan: You know, tortured... ever since I got my heart broken.
Veronica: Hannah really did a number on you, huh?
Logan: Come on, you know I'm not talking about Hannah. I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you leave town... and then it's over.
Veronica: Logan...
Logan: I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...
Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?
Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

What's your take on 'epic love' should love be as simple as "I want to hold your hand"? Is that too naive and idealistic?   Or should it be an epic, hard fought won battle? Or is that too complicated and dark to be something as sappy as love?

Young Love

We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun, you're mine
All mine
Play the music low
And sway to the rhythm of love

My heart beats like a drum
A guitar string to the strum
A beautiful song to be sung
She's got blue eyes deep like the sea
That roll back when she's laughing at me
She rises up like the tide
The moment her lips meet mine

We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun, you're mine
All mine
Play the music low
And sway to the rhythm of love
-Plain White T's

I feel pretty today

I cut off the birds nest that was my hair.

--contrary to popular belief, knowing your beautiful does not make you conceded it makes you revolutionary--

If this description fits: APPLY WITHIN

I.

Want.

A.

Guy.

I want a guy who loves Jesus more than me.

I want a guy who my brothers like.

I want a guy who likes my brothers.

I want a guy who is smart but not cocky. 

I want a guy who is actually sarcastic and witty.

I want a guy who is interested in current events.

I want a guy who tries to give more than he takes. 

I want a guy who is generally nice to everyone he meets.

I want a guy to stand stand front row at a local concert with me.

I want a guy who would listen to my NPR radio shows with me.

I want a guy who listens to classic rock but doesn't smoke pot all the time.

I want a guy who is what I imagine Marcus Flutie would look like if he were real. 

I want a guy who is down to travel the world and live in a small hut in Africa with me.

I met M at school. He looked to be in his 50's. He looked like the kind of person who's story you just needed to know. He also looked rugged- wearing the same clothes day after day and as some might say he looked a little scary.

However M and I quickly became aquatinces and later friends. We would sit outside in the quad often chatting about life, politics, our beliefs, anything really. I learned that M was basically homeless and had been for years. At the time he had enough money to rent a hotel that he had been staying in. I asked him how at 58 he had dedcided to enroll in college for the first time and how he could afford it.  He said another homeless friend had told him that you could recieve a free RTD pass if you enrolled at Auraria Campus. It sounded good to him! So he figured out how to get student grants and enrolled in college taking 6 credit hours. One math class and one english course. He is probably the most dedicated student I have met on that campus- litterally spending eight to ten hours outside of class a day seven days a week studying.

He once shared with me parts of his life story including becoming "born again through Christ" and then getting kicked out of the pastors house he was staying at after getting involved with the pastors wife, being a troubled teenager, jail and becoming homeless- drifting in and out of jobs. M is a kind soul, he loves talking to people and is always willing to share the food he picks up at the food bank on campus. More than once has he offored me a sandwhich despite the fact that he has no home, no income and very little posessions. We share lunch in the quad and on cold days i'll buy him a hot chocolate.

For M I believe school was a fresh start. I have met several of his homeless friends who he keeps encouraging to enroll in school. I'll hear them say between whisky breaths, "nah man I couldn't do that" and he just keeps telling them that they can and they should.
It seems they all like to drink a lot but M never comes to school drunk, he only drinks at night when hes winding down.

M doesnt know what major he will choose but enjoys English and would like to be a teach but says it's almost impossible due to prior felonies. M has lived so many lives but it seems like he's only just beginning at the age of 58. I have high hopes for M.--

"I write about love and such maybe 'cuz I want it so much now I'm not who I was"- Brandon Heath

I wish that I was enough for a guy to want me- to want to date me- to like me. I know I'm not pretty but I'm nice. I feel like being nice counts for very little these days. There's the sang and popular belief that "nice guys finish last" well, I think the same is true for women. Women seem to mostly be attracted to douche bags and guys seem to me at least to like the bitchiest women. Why is this? I know a woman who was a pathological liar in high school and even she found a guy who liked her enough to want to get married. I honestly feel like I am a pretty awesome person but obviously a failure with men.

Quick, Cheep and Easy

I wish that college was like that (sometimes).

Found an old poem I must have written over a year ago...

Agape

My grandparents met at a Bible study

My grandma was sixteen at the time

A few weeks after meeting they were married

My uncle proposed to my aunt

A few days after she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer

You were there through it all 

You have lived through generations

You are every encyclopedia in every language

You have seen the world through every lens 

and I 

I found You on a hot summers day

In the lines of a poem my grandfather wrote

I found You on the day I finally found myself

I had ignored You for years

Yet You still embarrassed me with open arms

You wrapped me in Your love like a cocoon

Protecting me from the harsh conditions of this world 

You were there through it all

You are everything

You're the nights my brother almost killed himself but didn't 

You're the day my parents met

You're the first painted line on the Sistine Chapel 

You're the kick off whistle at the world cup

You're the song that has yet to be written

You are all consuming 

My eternal lover

Our romance is an epic

You paid the highest price for my sins

You brought me alive before I was just living.

I, myself am a broken person living in a broken world that only God can fix.

"Carry On"

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
the cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
and I found you with a bottle of wine
your head in the curtains
and heart like the Fourth of July

You swore and said
"We are not
We are not shining stars"
This I know
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows
to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends
at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
about how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Whoa
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
After all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how
No one’s ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

Officially a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding! :)

Not so great but I wrote for a writing course last semester and thought you might enjoy!

Hello my name is…

She stood outside the entrance nervously twiddling her thumbs, slightly rocking back and forth on her heels. Thirty years ago her mother had waited outside these wrought iron gates. Now she stood in the same spot well put together. Confidence was building inside of her with each step she took.  She was ready to impress everyone but most importantly she was ready to show Michael Spear who she really was.

“Percy! Is that you?” A high pitched, screechy and annoyingly loud voice asked.

“I go by Percilla now. Have we met?” She vaguely recognized her from studying the old year books.

“Yea I was your class president, prom queen and now chair of the alumni committee. Don’t you remember? The last time we saw each other I think you were preg-” Sharon started to say.

“Nope doesn’t ring a bell sorry.” She continued into the building quickly.

“Well any way you look great now- haven’t aged a day” she yelled after her.

She immediately downed a glass of wine. If she was going to convince everyone of who she was she needed to loosen up a bit first. The graduating class of 1981 had been rather small with only 90 or so other students.  That made it hard to forget someone.

                "Percy!” she heard a group beckon her over.

She took another swig of wine and headed towards the group.

“My lord Percy Jeffers is that really you?” One girl asked.

“It’s Percilla Longoria now. I’m married… to a senator.”

“I have never heard of a Senator Longoria.” Another girl stated suspiciously.

“Different state than where you’re from.”  She announced nonchalantly. “He’s a great guy” she continued “Couldn’t make it tonight. He’s very busy at work. He’s working on some high profile laws right now. You know how life is for a senator and his wife.” She laughed nervously and refilled her already empty wine glass.

She mingled over to another group and began telling them extravagant tales of how she had almost been captured when she was working overseas, the time a pilot let her fly an air plane, when she was almost bitten by a deadly rattle snake and how she was close personal friends with Mark Zuckerburg. It was hard to believe that so many extraordinary things could happen to a single person. She drank more wine and by this time it was hard for her to remember what lies she had told to whom.

She went to walk down the stairs. She was about to go talk to Michael Spear. This was her big moment. This was her grand finale. As Percilla was approaching the last step she missed it and went flying into the air. She landed on her belly but her head hit the stair rail. Everyone came rushing forward. Phones were pulled out and people dialed 911. She was knocked unconscious.

The paramedics arrived shortly.

“What’s her name?” They asked.

“Percilla Longoria!” One person shouted at the same time another person shouted “Percilla Evans!” The paramedics looked at each other confused. Each one claimed that was how she had introduced herself.

“She’s married to Senator Longoria” One man reasoned.

“No” the other man said “she told me her husband was a film producer.”

Everyone was confused who was the modern day Percilla and why had she been lying to everyone? What was really going on? A simple reunion night had turned into an investigation. The police were searching file records for every name that she had used that night. Under the females maiden name Percilla Jeffers the police found a death certificate stating that the woman who was lying on the stretcher before them had died six years prior in a car accident. This reveal led to more confusion and chaos among the officers and the party attendees.

The officers began to interview some of the attendees. One person noted that, “Percy either uses really good skin cream or she just looks a lot younger than the rest of our class. I swear it looks like she hasn’t aged a day.” That thought intrigued the officers.

All of the sudden Percilla or whoever this person was sat straight up on the stretcher and announce slightly short of breath, “My name…. is.. Megan…. Jeffers and Michael Speer is my father. He was at the party tonight. Please find him.”

The police escorted Michael into the room where the story of Percilla and Megan Jeffers was revealed. Michael and Percilla had conceived a baby girl -the now older Megan- on their prom night. Megan had come tonight because she wanted to meet her biological father for the first time.  After her mother’s death a few years ago Megan had begun looking into Percilla’s past to find her father. She wanted to make sure she had the right man so she had pretended to be her mother.  She was going to slyly find out if that was her father and if it was she was going to reveal her true identity. She had finished telling her story and was awaiting Michael’s reaction. Nothing happened. She looked him in the eye stuck out her hand and said, “Hello my name is Megan Jeffers and I believe I am your daughter.”  

An abundance of April

I have a lot of COOL things to look forward to this month...
April 5th- FUN in concert with my friend Sierra! Thanks to Big for the birthday tickets!
April 19th- Tom Petty in concert!!!!!! Second time I will have seen him live!
April 21st- Colorado Rapids V. LA Galaxy! Going with my friend Daniel.. I WILL meet Landon Donovan & of course Drew Moor again!
April 28th- Closing on our new house & my Mom's birthday!

Good times ahead. I truly feel, "young and wild and free" 

21 lessons learned in 21 years (A continuation of my ever growing list)

1. Relationships evolve and transform.-You will cross paths with lots of people from different walks of life. You must learn to accept the fact the some people will leave your life shortly after entering it, some people will stay for years and some will leave and return. 

2. Don’t prejudge people.- Everyone has a different story and you shouldn’t judge them only God can do that. I remember in High School meeting the person who is now my best guy friend (he’s like a brother to me!) and thinking that he was a really weird and semi creepy person. Then, I actually took the time to get to know him, understand him, hear his story and I realized we have a lot in common! Now he’s my bestie!

3. Accept that bad things will happen.- If you grow up in Happy little suburban bubble like I did until about 7th grade then getting out in the so called “real world” you will be shocked to learn that not everyone you meet has your best interest at heart, not everyone is good ( although I do believe everyone is inherently good), and life is not black and white. Also realize that this ok. From the bad things that happen comes learning and reflecting.

4. To live and not just exist you need to step outside of your comfort zone.- Going away to a college where I knew absolutely no one was a big deal and really helped me to come to this realization. In the past year I have done more than I ever thought was possible from climbing a huge mountain to making friends with strangers, to trying new things like rock climbing and paint ball. I believe pushing my limits is what has helped me to succeed.

5. It’s the little things that matter.- Looking back on my childhood I have realized that the moments I am most fond of are the little things like, music trivia with my mom (she’s pretty bad at it but I love her)and Dad (he knows his fare share), My brother Phil playing the piano with me always nearby, or the random sarcasm that bonds me and my brother Greg.

6. Success is found through passion.- I believe that by doing what you love you will find the most success in your life weather you deem success financially, emotionally, physically or mentally. Knowing what your passion is and then using it to help others is the best way to achieve success in this high demand high stress world.

7. De clutter/ make things simpler.- Get rid of all the junk in your house and in your life. Focus on fewer but more important things. Give more time and attention to the people you love and hobbies you enjoy. Clear time in your schedule for yourself and your loved ones. Take time to relax and enjoy what you have in your life!

8. Connect with people from different generations and walks of life/ expand your horizons.- Doing this will allow you to expand the way you think and will show you that there are multiple ways to live life and you might learn something new. For instance this weekend my Mom picked up a hitch hiker and was telling me about this Lady (I could tell she was fascinated by her). The lady was a back packer in her mid to late twenties who was a really religious Jew (even stopped my Mom from talking to do her morning prayers) and a computer programmer. My Mom said her life was so different from her own but not necessarily bad and she said that she learned a lot from this lady.

9. Accept change.- Nothing can or will stay the same forever. Change is inevitable instead of being scared of change embrace it. If you embrace it life will be a lot smoother. Change is exiting, fun and sometimes scary so just roll with the punches and trust that the heart of life is good!

10. Stop stressing/ worrying.- I have never been a person who stresses out but when I do it all explodes at once. I usually have my yearly freak out week other than that I tend not to worry however I have met people who agonize about every detail of their life. Just let go breathe deep trust that everything will be ok. My Mom once told me, “nothing in the world is so bad that it can’t be fixed.”

11. Live out your wildest dreams.- You have one life and a million different ways to live it. Go after what you want with all your heart. The possibilities are endless and if you truly want something nothing can stop you. In High School I wanted to travel to Africa but I knew my parents wouldn’t support me financially and I didn’t have enough money for a trip so I worked really hard and found a way to go on an all expense paid philanthropy trip to Ethiopia! Now I’m working on how to get back there!

12. Perform Random Acts of Kindness.- “Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”- Philo. Being kind just because is the greatest gift you could give another human being. In this age of technology and isolation I believe all people really want is a real human connection. Sometimes just talking to someone or smiling at them will make there day.

13. You can’t live in the past or the future you have to live for now.- Reminiscing is great as is dreaming but at some point you have to wake up and live in the moment. Now is the only moment that is guaranteed to you so spend it wisely working towards your goals, sharing love, helping others and doing what is most important you in that moment.

14. Ask a lot of questions.- Always keep the wheels cranking in your mind. Don’t accept anything for fact. Ask questions and learn. Never stop learning it is one of the most important aspects in life.

15. Tell people you love them everyday.- My grandpa passed away recently and my great grandma who was a month away from being a hundred passed away a few years back. These deaths gave me the bitter realization that tomorrow is not guaranteed and you should always let people know how important they are to you. Seriously, tell friends, family maybe even strangers you love them all the time!

16. Do what makes YOU happy.- I spent a lot of years thinking after high school and then after college I should do what expected instead of what I want. I know when I graduate I am expected to get a 9-5 job, pay bills and get a nice house with a man whom is also settled down but I have decide to do what makes me happy instead. I am going to move to Africa and do anything I can to help! Don’t follow others expectations set your own goals in life and achieve them.

17. Get involved!- Try to meet new people every day (no matter how awkward it is) and join in on the fun activities that are offered near you who knows you might meet a best friend, a spouse or find a new passion. Open yourself up to new possibilities and adventures.

18. Take risks/ don’t be afraid of getting hurt.- “Standing on the fringes of life offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like on the dance floor.”- The perks of being a wallflower (great book BTW). In my Sophomore- Senior years of High School I let fear hold me back from experiencing life. I was afraid to try new things, make new friends and dare I even say it ask a guy out. College changed everything. I met a guy I liked so I asked him to do things with me like go to the school talent show sadly I was rejected but hey it didn’t hurt as much as you think and I moved on from it and became less afraid.

19. Take every opportunity you get.- Every opportunity is a new door to a new room and learning experience. It is a chance to expand your horizons and I don’t know what the opportunity is but unless it contradicts your morals I suggest you take it!

20.Never take for granted the beauty that surrounds you every  day.- I don't know where you are right now... but, I bet its beautiful! Stop staring at this screen... look around... admire, respect and be thankful for the beauty that surrounds you. I live in Colorado and this past year has taught me to wake up and be in awe of my surroundings every day. God is good!

21. Be there! This year I learned the importance of being there for my close friends and family. Sometimes all a person needs is your nearness to overcome something bad in there life. One of my friends this year was having a rough time, I could tell by her Facebook updates, so one day I randomly decided to send her flowers from five hours away. I like to believe that my surprise gift helped her through her rough patch. Another friend, committed suicide this year. I only wish I could have spent more time with him over the past year and gone out of my way to interact with him. His death was a surprise and shock . It taught me  a lesson I wont ever forget. 

The first day of spring

On this beautiful sun is shining Colorado first day of spring...
My brother got engaged!!! I now have a sister!
My parents purchased a new house!!
and, the Denver Broncos got Payton Manning!
-What a day-
A

CONGRATS!!!!!!

Credit goes to artist: Dean Styers
Words are from the song This year by The mountain goats

SO

My Dad doesn't have cancer but my dog does.. poor guy!

"Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?"

My parents might be buying a house and moving out of the house I spent 20 years inhabiting. I am personally all for it... they want change and it's not like they are moving out of the state or even more than 20 mins away because of my Moms business. I think they should do it! There looking at some pretty shmancy homes though! Might be getting a party house... not like our house isn't already :p

I loved you at your darkest
- Romans 5:8


*Saw this today and needed it.

Desperately and fiercely craving an adventure.  

My Dad didn't tell me that he was having surgery tomorrow! I found out when the doctor called for a pre. op. chat and I was the only one home to answer the phone. I guess they found a lump on his neck... tonight at dinner he made it seem like no big deal but I don't know. I just wish my family would tell me these things like when...
-my Mom thought she had cancer
-my brother overdosed
and when...
-my Grandpa died.

Just because I am the baby of the family doesn't mean I can't handle this shit.

:( PS. I wish we texted like we did that one summer or talked as if we were actually friends. 

"I have measured out my life in coffee spoons."- TS Eliot

The line above is from a poem titled "The love story of J Alfred Prufrock" this line is widely considered one of the most famous lines from an American poet. It can be recognized as a cautionary tale telling the readers what might happen if they live such a monotonous life. So get out there & carpe diem! 

Thinking about you & how you always told me getting an education was important.

& crying a lot. Some days it feels like I am suffocating.

http://www.denverpost.com/recommended/ci_19511244

Random short little verse wanted to keep going but wasn't sure where I was going please comment may add more later

We walk along a long road walked
Towards a home that's not our own
The aroma of cigarettes alone surrounds
No sounds but that of crunching bone
We take heart wrenching painstaking steps
In the distance I can see the finish line
I don't think that reality will ever be mine
--

"Noel Spark"

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."-Irish Headstone. You will always be a part of us. The "Noel Spark" will be carried on forever. RIP Noel Cunningham we'll always love you.

--I'm sorry I missed the celebration of your life they had for you yesterday because of you thousands of dollars was raise at Strings of Hope to keep the Cunningham Foundation alive to help support the people of Ethiopia. You are greatly missed & there is still a deep spot in my heart where you will live on forever!

Today I surprised myself and I lived to tell the story

I heard this guy on the light rail talking about how he was new to Denver from Grand Junction and was lost so I helped him out and started a conversation about how I used to live in Grand Junction. Anyway he was sorta cute and seemed like a good guy so as I was getting off the light rail I gave him my number and told him if he was ever bored to give me a call. I have never "given a guy my number" and I am sure you know what I mean when I say this. I mean plenty of guys have my number but its not the same. Well a few minutes later he texted me but he basically just said if I ever need help with Spanish to let him know (that was one of the things we discussed). Guessing nothing will happen but it was fun surprising even myself!

A mothers prayer for her child By: Tina Fey

This was a segment from Tina Fey's amazing book Bossypants. Y'all should read it. 

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Some times I don't post things on here because I know that if I say the words if I memorialize them on here for the world to see it will make them real. That scares the shit out of me. 
but I guess the truth is your dead, someone else is getting engaged, I am a f** nobody and the world spins madly on.

Back side of the Christmas letter

January 1, 2011 - - - Starting the New Year out in Style - - - the Small’s take on Mexico!

As the airline stewardess announces on the intercom, “I apologize to Chad Murdock in Seat 18E for forgetting to give him his orange juice to go with his orange spray tan” - - - we knew that this would be a memorable trip.  A picture is worth one thousand words so enjoy the lazy river, belly flops, sail boating, water slides, beach walks and so much laughter to create an encyclopedia full of words. This abridged version includes:

Day 1:  Arrival with margarita drink greetings from the resort staff and happy hour for the Small group of 25 at the Grand Luxxe Mayan Palace in Nuevo Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Day 2: Hang time down near the ocean, fun in the sun while the Aunts and Uncles get waited on in the shade.  After a relaxing day, we hit the town and went to Adauto’s for a beautiful beach side dinner. Besides the family laughter, the most memorable part of the evening was watching the colorful Mexican sunset over the beach (almost as memorable as the great margaritas).

Day 3: Quality time was spent at the Mayan Palace lazy river (and we were lazy) and swim up pool bar. We got to the pool bar just in time for happy hour - - - Shawn, Phillip and Greg entertain in a water fight!  Water was splashed, drinks were drunk and fun was had by all!  The dinner Beach Party food was delicious but the massive dance party topped off the night. Jen and Al were showing off their moves together on the dance floor.  Hey like they say “When in Mexico!” or is it Rome?

Day 4:   More adult entertainment - - - of golfing while the kids once again fooled around in the pools and entertained themselves by taking photos as they went down the water slide. That night, Phil and Jen went out for seafood with their friends Manny and Theresa. The rest of the adults went for Italian food on the resort and the “kids” went downtown to Pi Pi’s for a night out.  The “kids” had fun (maybe a little too much fun if there is such a thing) sipping on Blue Pi Pi’s, pretending it was Shawn’s birthday and shopping.

Day 5:  Most everyone’s favorite day was renting a private sailboat to go whale (we are not talking of family members), dolphin and manta ray watching. Shawn lost his cap on the way to the sailboat and almost left the best part of him in Mexico.  The family enjoyed the open bar all you can drink along with good food.  We were thoroughly entertained that Phillip was sick because he had partied too hard at Pi Pi’s the night before. We stopped off near a small island to eat lunch and do some snorkeling. Shawn, Chad and Jeff had fun seeing who could do the best dives (belly flops) off the boats.  Everyone wanted to wear their life jackets going home as Jen was the captain of the sailboat and could not guide the boat straight or walk straight.  After a day out in the sun we walked from the resort out to dinner at Prime 75.

Day 6:  On our only day with some clouds, Kenny and Evelyn hosted game day (mostly poker) while most of the Murdock’s went Zip Lining. Let’s just say on this day the drinking started early with the theme “it’s 12 o’clock somewhere”. Some also went golfing, got massages and most attended the Mexican Fiesta that night. The personal shot glasses were a nice touch and the younger family members held their booze better (they probably have more practice) than some others who required a two day recovery period.

Day 7:  More golf and fun in the sun.  In fear of sober time soon to come, we headed to Pi Pi’s (the “kids” second time) for dinner. The Nieto kids were being eco friendly and sat in the trunk of the taxi cab (read between the lines – mom is too cheap to pay for another taxi into town).  Delicious Mexican food and singing Sweet Caroline with the Mariachi Band at the top of our lungs left a lasting impression and we enjoyed some last minute souvenir shopping.

Finally, it was time to leave behind our shot glasses, partying laughter, pool side lounge chairs and swim up bars and get serious with an hour long family photo session (yes we know this would take a normal family five minutes).  God Bless we have these memories to last a lifetime - - - fun was had by all!

My families 2011 Christmas letter (for those who didn't receive our mailed copy)

Dear Friends and Family,

My family in Mexico!

 As this holiday season comes upon us, we are thankful for the memories this last year provided.  We wish your family a happy holiday season and hope to hear from you!  We started the year in style by invading Puerto Vallarta on January 1st with a small army (25) of Jen’s family.  This was the trip of a lifetime and we are especially fortunate to have shared these moments with mom, uncles, and aunts.  The hotel staff affectionately referred to mom as “gramma” – I think it may have something to do her gracious nature/tips.   Due to some foggy recollections, we wrote a timeline of the trip to go along with the family scrapbooking pictures, so you have a couple of extra minutes read the back page.

 In March the kids hosted a “non-surprise party” to our 25^th wedding anniversary – the highlight being the chance to visit with many old and new friends and seeing our young adult children plan the party.  In April, we spontaneously decided to accompany Ron (Phil’s brother), Amy and Chip (Amy’s brother) to celebrate our niece’s, Rebecca, 21^st birthday.  She gave us a personalized tour of many attractions in Edinburgh including castles, the school she attended, and pubs and pubs.  A special highlight for Phil and Ron was golfing at St. Andrews Jubilee course and finishing off the golf day with some 30-year old scotch.   Both justified the necessity to blunt their senses for the 2 ½ hour return trip to Edinburgh with Jennifer behind the wheel through winding roads and roundabouts (sometimes in the inappropriate lane).  We also visited London and toured more castles and more pubs.  Of course we only visited the pubs while waiting to tour St. Paul’s Cathedral only a few days before the wedding of Prince William.  Upon returning to Denver, Jeff (Jennifer’s twin) and Jen celebrated their 50^th birthdays!  They celebrated in style with golf followed by dinner and dancing at Jeff’s country club.  What a blast seeing all 100 or so friends and family dance like it was 1985 (or the age they were then)!   I am sure there were many of us hurting the next day - in more ways than one.

Being a year of special #’s – in July we were off to Washington D.C. where Phil received an award for 35 years of service to the government.  We enjoyed our time with Lisa and Phillip, a night of fun at the baseball game with the youthful Phil’s friends and Mike (Phil’s boss), Jamie and Mark Archuleta (sorry again about that whole being late thing and rain and getting a bit drenched).  Having done the tourist things in D.C., we were impulsive for a 2^nd time this year and decided to test our luck and see if we could get into the US Open.  Jen loves to tell of how Phil almost got thrown in jail for attempting to “scalp tickets”  (good thing it was father’s day and they had mercy) but how Jen managed to get $300+ worth of tickets/bus passes for $30.  Other fun moments included playing in a tournament that Lico (Phil’s brother) organized.   We still find ourselveles traveling to Nebraska and New Mexico to visit relatives and parents.

The younger Phil is in year 2 of law school at Georgetown.  He turned 25 in September and we are proud of his efforts.   Greg is still working part-time at BC and attending the University of Colorado at Denver and hopes to finish up in the spring with a degree in applied mathematics (we are very good at nodding while he explains his projects which most certainly are awesome).  Andrea transferred to Metro State College in Denver.  She is enjoying her classes in Secondary Education and English. Phil and Jen LOVE-LOVE-LOVE having both kids at home – they are NEVER grumpy and ALWAYS help out around the house. (Note: May be biased as it was written by Andrea).  As we send you holiday blessings our family is hosting Heri, a 26 year old teacher from Tanzania who is participating in a leadership program.  Heri says that the American’s are very generous and so very kind.  His gracious manner and infectious laugh have been delightful.  Wishing you the best in 2012!                                                                Phil, Jen and kids 

From my writing class:The old man and the tree

             Branches

                                                                            All tangled in different

                                                                Directions; like morning bed head after

                                                     The Bright lights, radiation the men in wearing white

            Your eyes sparkle and begin reflecting images of hope from a once young

               Man- the wrinkles indicating the years like rings on a red wood tree one marking each

                                                                   Year of its life

                                                              Its fall now and the leaves-

                                               Have begun to dissipate from the once

                           Sturdy branches that held everything together- for a moment

                    The chemo destroys the gray hairs that once defined you as wise, mature

        Skin has begun to  feel  rustic like the bark covered in sap surrounding and defending

                                                                   Chains  around

                   The  tree  base

                   And around you

                   Needles poked

                   And prodded in 

‎"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

In twenty-eleven...
I transferred schools.
I ended one job and started new one.
I traded friendships for miles.
I went to Mexico with 40 family members.
I lost sight of God & then I found him again.
I became close friends with several homeless people.
I cried a lot but I also smiled.
I got very confused.
I protested.
I wrote a lot of papers.
I interviewed people & met strangers.
I received the best grades of my college career.
I performed my first slam poem and later on performed one on camera.
I Tebowed in the street with 1,000 other college students.
I "adopted" a brother who lives in Tanzania.
I got diagnosed with an illness.
I saw my Father cry.
I watched lots of Psych & Community.
I laughed.
I read lots of books and short stories.
I spent about 90 minutes every weekday on the train into school.
I injured my knee.
I watched friends get married or engaged.
I changed my major.
I lost Noel.-- Dearest Noel.- ‎"Some people pass through our lives for a season to teach us a lesson that could never be learned if they stayed."
I prayed & prayed a lot.