"Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?"

My parents might be buying a house and moving out of the house I spent 20 years inhabiting. I am personally all for it... they want change and it's not like they are moving out of the state or even more than 20 mins away because of my Moms business. I think they should do it! There looking at some pretty shmancy homes though! Might be getting a party house... not like our house isn't already :p

I loved you at your darkest
- Romans 5:8


*Saw this today and needed it.

Desperately and fiercely craving an adventure.  

My Dad didn't tell me that he was having surgery tomorrow! I found out when the doctor called for a pre. op. chat and I was the only one home to answer the phone. I guess they found a lump on his neck... tonight at dinner he made it seem like no big deal but I don't know. I just wish my family would tell me these things like when...
-my Mom thought she had cancer
-my brother overdosed
and when...
-my Grandpa died.

Just because I am the baby of the family doesn't mean I can't handle this shit.

:( PS. I wish we texted like we did that one summer or talked as if we were actually friends. 

"I have measured out my life in coffee spoons."- TS Eliot

The line above is from a poem titled "The love story of J Alfred Prufrock" this line is widely considered one of the most famous lines from an American poet. It can be recognized as a cautionary tale telling the readers what might happen if they live such a monotonous life. So get out there & carpe diem! 

Thinking about you & how you always told me getting an education was important.

& crying a lot. Some days it feels like I am suffocating.

http://www.denverpost.com/recommended/ci_19511244

Random short little verse wanted to keep going but wasn't sure where I was going please comment may add more later

We walk along a long road walked
Towards a home that's not our own
The aroma of cigarettes alone surrounds
No sounds but that of crunching bone
We take heart wrenching painstaking steps
In the distance I can see the finish line
I don't think that reality will ever be mine
--

"Noel Spark"

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."-Irish Headstone. You will always be a part of us. The "Noel Spark" will be carried on forever. RIP Noel Cunningham we'll always love you.

--I'm sorry I missed the celebration of your life they had for you yesterday because of you thousands of dollars was raise at Strings of Hope to keep the Cunningham Foundation alive to help support the people of Ethiopia. You are greatly missed & there is still a deep spot in my heart where you will live on forever!

Today I surprised myself and I lived to tell the story

I heard this guy on the light rail talking about how he was new to Denver from Grand Junction and was lost so I helped him out and started a conversation about how I used to live in Grand Junction. Anyway he was sorta cute and seemed like a good guy so as I was getting off the light rail I gave him my number and told him if he was ever bored to give me a call. I have never "given a guy my number" and I am sure you know what I mean when I say this. I mean plenty of guys have my number but its not the same. Well a few minutes later he texted me but he basically just said if I ever need help with Spanish to let him know (that was one of the things we discussed). Guessing nothing will happen but it was fun surprising even myself!

A mothers prayer for her child By: Tina Fey

This was a segment from Tina Fey's amazing book Bossypants. Y'all should read it. 

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Some times I don't post things on here because I know that if I say the words if I memorialize them on here for the world to see it will make them real. That scares the shit out of me. 
but I guess the truth is your dead, someone else is getting engaged, I am a f** nobody and the world spins madly on.

Back side of the Christmas letter

January 1, 2011 - - - Starting the New Year out in Style - - - the Small’s take on Mexico!

As the airline stewardess announces on the intercom, “I apologize to Chad Murdock in Seat 18E for forgetting to give him his orange juice to go with his orange spray tan” - - - we knew that this would be a memorable trip.  A picture is worth one thousand words so enjoy the lazy river, belly flops, sail boating, water slides, beach walks and so much laughter to create an encyclopedia full of words. This abridged version includes:

Day 1:  Arrival with margarita drink greetings from the resort staff and happy hour for the Small group of 25 at the Grand Luxxe Mayan Palace in Nuevo Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Day 2: Hang time down near the ocean, fun in the sun while the Aunts and Uncles get waited on in the shade.  After a relaxing day, we hit the town and went to Adauto’s for a beautiful beach side dinner. Besides the family laughter, the most memorable part of the evening was watching the colorful Mexican sunset over the beach (almost as memorable as the great margaritas).

Day 3: Quality time was spent at the Mayan Palace lazy river (and we were lazy) and swim up pool bar. We got to the pool bar just in time for happy hour - - - Shawn, Phillip and Greg entertain in a water fight!  Water was splashed, drinks were drunk and fun was had by all!  The dinner Beach Party food was delicious but the massive dance party topped off the night. Jen and Al were showing off their moves together on the dance floor.  Hey like they say “When in Mexico!” or is it Rome?

Day 4:   More adult entertainment - - - of golfing while the kids once again fooled around in the pools and entertained themselves by taking photos as they went down the water slide. That night, Phil and Jen went out for seafood with their friends Manny and Theresa. The rest of the adults went for Italian food on the resort and the “kids” went downtown to Pi Pi’s for a night out.  The “kids” had fun (maybe a little too much fun if there is such a thing) sipping on Blue Pi Pi’s, pretending it was Shawn’s birthday and shopping.

Day 5:  Most everyone’s favorite day was renting a private sailboat to go whale (we are not talking of family members), dolphin and manta ray watching. Shawn lost his cap on the way to the sailboat and almost left the best part of him in Mexico.  The family enjoyed the open bar all you can drink along with good food.  We were thoroughly entertained that Phillip was sick because he had partied too hard at Pi Pi’s the night before. We stopped off near a small island to eat lunch and do some snorkeling. Shawn, Chad and Jeff had fun seeing who could do the best dives (belly flops) off the boats.  Everyone wanted to wear their life jackets going home as Jen was the captain of the sailboat and could not guide the boat straight or walk straight.  After a day out in the sun we walked from the resort out to dinner at Prime 75.

Day 6:  On our only day with some clouds, Kenny and Evelyn hosted game day (mostly poker) while most of the Murdock’s went Zip Lining. Let’s just say on this day the drinking started early with the theme “it’s 12 o’clock somewhere”. Some also went golfing, got massages and most attended the Mexican Fiesta that night. The personal shot glasses were a nice touch and the younger family members held their booze better (they probably have more practice) than some others who required a two day recovery period.

Day 7:  More golf and fun in the sun.  In fear of sober time soon to come, we headed to Pi Pi’s (the “kids” second time) for dinner. The Nieto kids were being eco friendly and sat in the trunk of the taxi cab (read between the lines – mom is too cheap to pay for another taxi into town).  Delicious Mexican food and singing Sweet Caroline with the Mariachi Band at the top of our lungs left a lasting impression and we enjoyed some last minute souvenir shopping.

Finally, it was time to leave behind our shot glasses, partying laughter, pool side lounge chairs and swim up bars and get serious with an hour long family photo session (yes we know this would take a normal family five minutes).  God Bless we have these memories to last a lifetime - - - fun was had by all!

My families 2011 Christmas letter (for those who didn't receive our mailed copy)

Dear Friends and Family,

My family in Mexico!

 As this holiday season comes upon us, we are thankful for the memories this last year provided.  We wish your family a happy holiday season and hope to hear from you!  We started the year in style by invading Puerto Vallarta on January 1st with a small army (25) of Jen’s family.  This was the trip of a lifetime and we are especially fortunate to have shared these moments with mom, uncles, and aunts.  The hotel staff affectionately referred to mom as “gramma” – I think it may have something to do her gracious nature/tips.   Due to some foggy recollections, we wrote a timeline of the trip to go along with the family scrapbooking pictures, so you have a couple of extra minutes read the back page.

 In March the kids hosted a “non-surprise party” to our 25^th wedding anniversary – the highlight being the chance to visit with many old and new friends and seeing our young adult children plan the party.  In April, we spontaneously decided to accompany Ron (Phil’s brother), Amy and Chip (Amy’s brother) to celebrate our niece’s, Rebecca, 21^st birthday.  She gave us a personalized tour of many attractions in Edinburgh including castles, the school she attended, and pubs and pubs.  A special highlight for Phil and Ron was golfing at St. Andrews Jubilee course and finishing off the golf day with some 30-year old scotch.   Both justified the necessity to blunt their senses for the 2 ½ hour return trip to Edinburgh with Jennifer behind the wheel through winding roads and roundabouts (sometimes in the inappropriate lane).  We also visited London and toured more castles and more pubs.  Of course we only visited the pubs while waiting to tour St. Paul’s Cathedral only a few days before the wedding of Prince William.  Upon returning to Denver, Jeff (Jennifer’s twin) and Jen celebrated their 50^th birthdays!  They celebrated in style with golf followed by dinner and dancing at Jeff’s country club.  What a blast seeing all 100 or so friends and family dance like it was 1985 (or the age they were then)!   I am sure there were many of us hurting the next day - in more ways than one.

Being a year of special #’s – in July we were off to Washington D.C. where Phil received an award for 35 years of service to the government.  We enjoyed our time with Lisa and Phillip, a night of fun at the baseball game with the youthful Phil’s friends and Mike (Phil’s boss), Jamie and Mark Archuleta (sorry again about that whole being late thing and rain and getting a bit drenched).  Having done the tourist things in D.C., we were impulsive for a 2^nd time this year and decided to test our luck and see if we could get into the US Open.  Jen loves to tell of how Phil almost got thrown in jail for attempting to “scalp tickets”  (good thing it was father’s day and they had mercy) but how Jen managed to get $300+ worth of tickets/bus passes for $30.  Other fun moments included playing in a tournament that Lico (Phil’s brother) organized.   We still find ourselveles traveling to Nebraska and New Mexico to visit relatives and parents.

The younger Phil is in year 2 of law school at Georgetown.  He turned 25 in September and we are proud of his efforts.   Greg is still working part-time at BC and attending the University of Colorado at Denver and hopes to finish up in the spring with a degree in applied mathematics (we are very good at nodding while he explains his projects which most certainly are awesome).  Andrea transferred to Metro State College in Denver.  She is enjoying her classes in Secondary Education and English. Phil and Jen LOVE-LOVE-LOVE having both kids at home – they are NEVER grumpy and ALWAYS help out around the house. (Note: May be biased as it was written by Andrea).  As we send you holiday blessings our family is hosting Heri, a 26 year old teacher from Tanzania who is participating in a leadership program.  Heri says that the American’s are very generous and so very kind.  His gracious manner and infectious laugh have been delightful.  Wishing you the best in 2012!                                                                Phil, Jen and kids 

From my writing class:The old man and the tree

             Branches

                                                                            All tangled in different

                                                                Directions; like morning bed head after

                                                     The Bright lights, radiation the men in wearing white

            Your eyes sparkle and begin reflecting images of hope from a once young

               Man- the wrinkles indicating the years like rings on a red wood tree one marking each

                                                                   Year of its life

                                                              Its fall now and the leaves-

                                               Have begun to dissipate from the once

                           Sturdy branches that held everything together- for a moment

                    The chemo destroys the gray hairs that once defined you as wise, mature

        Skin has begun to  feel  rustic like the bark covered in sap surrounding and defending

                                                                   Chains  around

                   The  tree  base

                   And around you

                   Needles poked

                   And prodded in 

‎"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

In twenty-eleven...
I transferred schools.
I ended one job and started new one.
I traded friendships for miles.
I went to Mexico with 40 family members.
I lost sight of God & then I found him again.
I became close friends with several homeless people.
I cried a lot but I also smiled.
I got very confused.
I protested.
I wrote a lot of papers.
I interviewed people & met strangers.
I received the best grades of my college career.
I performed my first slam poem and later on performed one on camera.
I Tebowed in the street with 1,000 other college students.
I "adopted" a brother who lives in Tanzania.
I got diagnosed with an illness.
I saw my Father cry.
I watched lots of Psych & Community.
I laughed.
I read lots of books and short stories.
I spent about 90 minutes every weekday on the train into school.
I injured my knee.
I watched friends get married or engaged.
I changed my major.
I lost Noel.-- Dearest Noel.- ‎"Some people pass through our lives for a season to teach us a lesson that could never be learned if they stayed."
I prayed & prayed a lot.

peter pan syndrom

I guess were growing up.

It makes me sad to think that

eventually we wont see eachother

everday or talk as often, or see

eachother at holidays... we will all

have our own lives and families

to take care of. Things will be

different.

---I'm not ready for that---

I am sorry if I am sharing too much about anyone on here because I did not change names but I'm just trying to be honest

Freshman year of High School most of my really good friends happened to be guys much to my Mothers dismay. I hung out at their houses all the time. My mom would always tell me, "it's improper for a girl to be alone with guys." I guess I never understood why because I grew up with two brothers-I was so used to being the only girl. It was natural.  I have never been a real 'girly girl' but even in my freshman  year it seemed as though guys liked me regardless. I had a MAJOR CRUSH on one of my best guy friends. This is the kind of all consuming crush where it literally hurts to go an hour without thinking about him. The kind where you purposefully stand or sit in spaces with the hope that his hand will gently brush yours. His name was Sam. He had shaggy blond hair that I dreamed a thousand times of running my hands through, baby blue eyes that I could stare into for hours. To me he seemed perfect and little rugged which is what I liked best about him. Like me, he was into classic rock which was a major plus factor. Also like  me, he was a little shy and awkward which I found adorable but really caused some problems since neither of us had enough guts to make the first move.

I remember one of the highlights of High School for me was the day he asked me to Homecoming. I had this red leather hat that I wore practically every day of Freshman year and Sam had a black hat with a Pink Floyd patch sown on it. We used to steal each others hats for fun - it was a game we played. An inside joke we used to tease each other about. Well one day we switched hats but something seemed a little off to me. At lunch Sam went with one of his really good girl friends to kings soopers and me and AJ -my other really good guy friend- went to Starbucks and they asked us to meet up later. When we regrouped later he switched hats with me again so I had my red leather one back. All the sudden everyone was just staring at me obviously waiting for me to respond. But to what? I had no idea what was happening. Sam told me to look up. So I did and realized he had taped a note to the inside bill of my hat. It said will you go to homecoming with me? Then from behind his back he pulled out a single rose and gave it to me. I told him yes and that he was so adorable and he deserved a hug. I wanted to live in that hug for the rest of eternity. It was the only school dance I was ever asked to which is sort of depressing yes but it was really sweet (despite my horrid awkwardness) and I wouldn't trade the experience for different dates to all of the other school dances. Then that winter me and my friend KJ decorated Sam's bedroom and I asked him to the snowball dance. He said yes and it was another awesome night.

We stayed friends that whole year and although we were close friends he had a lot going on in his life that I must not have known about. His mom who for the record was an awesome lady and always so nice to me got cancer- thankfully she is now a cancer free now but I imagine that must have been hard to deal with.

Then summer came and for some reason I completely lost contact with all of my best friends from Freshman year. To be honest to this day I don't know what happened. I mean, I don't remember a specific incident or anything bad. All I know is we hardly talked all summer and when school started up again I was hoping things would get back to normal. Sam and I even had an English class together but hardly talked all semester. Things didn't go back to normal. Things changed and I convinced myself that we had just drifted apart. To this day I still wonder what the hell happened?

Sophomore year was the worst year of high school. I went from having a social group I loved and busy Friday nights to no social group (vaguely associating with my friends in the drama dpt.) and hanging by myself in my room every night. I read a lot of books that year and watched a lot of tv.

I can give credit to these things that saved me:
Books: 1.The Perkes of Being a Wallflower by: Stephen Chewbosky & the classic 2) Catcher in the Rye by: J.D Salinger.
Movies that saved me: 1. Almost Famous (still saves me) 2. Donnie Darko & 3. Never been kissed.
TV: 1) The O.C- I was obsessed with this show!
Music: 1. Jet- Get born (in my opinion one of the greatest albums of all time).

---Some days I still miss freshman year---

Set to sail

The day that I let go of you-

Be it your memory or your hand-

Will be the day I am set to sail

One last time on the open ocean,

A single sail extending from my casket

My flags flying my final colors.

I will say goodbye with but a smile

And my hands will be filled with life

As they drag across your lovely waves.

-Noel I still miss you a lot especially on days like yesterday when it would have been your birthday-

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”

My emotions are all out of wack.



Early Friday morning my Mom woke me up with horrible news. As soon as the words "Noel Cunningham died last night" came out of her mouth tears began flooding like a tsunami that wouldn't stop. The whole day I was an emotional wreck (I still am). Noel Cunningham was with out a doubt the greatest and most caring man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am thankful that I got the chance to know Noel and I know I wouldn't be half the woman I am today with out his love, knowledge and guidance. He was my hero and my mentor but most of all he was my dear friend. For those of you who unfortunately never knew Noel I will tell you a little bit about his character. Noel was from Ireland originally but moved to the states in his twenties as a chef. Noel lived in Denver for a long time and was a highly regarded man in the community he served at his restaurant Strings. He was not only known for feeding you even when you were not hungry but for feeding those starving around the world. In the 1990's he traveled to Ethiopia, Africa with his wife Tammy where they witnessed horrible poverty. He left the country a man on a mission. I don't think Noel ever knew the meaning of the word "no". Shortly after he and Tammy returned from their trip they started a non profit The Cunningham Foundation who I would travel to Ethiopia with on an all expenses paid trip in 2008. Noel was consistent in always telling me how much he loved me and always reminding me that I could achieve anything I was willing to struggle for. Not only did he raise billions of dollars for those in Ethiopia during his lifetime but in the Denver community he was always providing meals for the homeless during thanksgiving, brunch for Mothers with out a family on Mothers day and anything else he could help out with. His wife and him lived simply so that others could simply live. In an article for Black Tie Colorado, Noel Cunningham was asked what he wanted his epitaph to be. His response, "I tried to live life to the fullest - to participate in life. Not just to have been a taker, I left something behind. I hope I put back a little more than I took." (https://www.blacktie-colorado.com/have-you-met/archive-detail.cfm?id=178). Noel definately accomplished this goal. Noel was a lover. I have never seen another man who loved his wife with the deep love that him and Tammy shared. I have never seen a man who loved the world and everyone in it more than Noel. I have never seen a man who loved sharing food and wisdom like he so often did. There is huge hole in my heart at this time but I am looking to the future to help fufill Noels dreams of bringing the world together, educating all peoples and ending world poverty... I want to give more than I take and truly live my life to the fullest. I know today is a step towards doing that and right now I know Noel is proud of me. To his wife Tammy: Words cannot express how sorry I am. I love you. To Noel: Thank you for changing my life, I love you & will live each day with purpose and love for all. Rest In Peace. I love you!

• http://www.9news.com/news/article/233354/188/Local-restaurant-owner-Noel-Cunningham-dies-at-62
• http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_19453879?source=rss
• http://www.coloradorapids.com/news/2011/12/plush-statement-noel-cunningham
• http://www.westword.com/1998-01-29/news/noel-cunningham/
• http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/news/2011/12/01/cunningham.html



Noel & Tammy in front of a library they help fund in Ethiopia!



That brings me to my other emotion which is happiness and excitment. Today Herry, a teacher from Tanzania, Africa who is staying with my family for two weeks arrived.My family is so glad to have him here he is truly a beautiful soul and is already teaching us so much as we are also teaching him. It's only day one so I do not have much to say but he already enjoys starbucks and chipotle so he fits right in with my family! He is currently watching Avatar (not sure if he 100% knows whats going on but he seems to be enjoying it) we also played the card game war (I think it bored him but it was the only 2 player game I could think of..).

Next emotion... oh are finals really only two weeks away? well shit! Now im STRESSING THE FUCK OUT!

Love your heart broken, excited, stressed friend,
Andrea

 

 

-- "Live a life that demands explination."--