The letter I'll never send you

Dear Lisa,

There are so many hurtful things I want to say to you. I sometimes worry that I'll accidentally run into you out in the world and I won't be able to filter myself. I dream of seeing your facial expression after calling you a bitch. I want to make you hurt the way you made my family hurt. I hate admitting these things because I am a nice person after all and these actions would be pretty uncharacteristic of me. Mostly, I want to tell you how you not only hurt my brother but my whole family. You were the first person that I let in and considered a sister. I told you secrets I would only tell a sister, a confidant. I want you to step back and look at your life now. As much anger as I have towards you I would never want to see you physically hurt. I do think that in a few years you're going to look back and regret the decisions that you made. I want you to know that I've never seen my brother cry the way he did that night. The month he spent in his head unable to get out of bed and face the day. It's better now. He's taking time. For the first time in my life, I am watching him do what makes him happy. He's playing music again and performing in shows. He's physically strong and will be leaving for his thru-hike of the Colorado Trail in less than a month. He got two new jobs  after he quit his job to try and make the marriage work. He's 29 and living with his parents again but he is strong and even after all this he still has a heart of gold. I've been trying to write this letter ever since I found out. Through all this I've come to appreciate my family and friends even more. Together we are strong.

Love, Andrea

7 billion people experienced today in a different way

"If the world gives you the blues, if you wake up in the middle of the night with waves of fear and senseless panic washing over you, I am your friend. If you’re overcome by a desperation that makes your mouth open for a scream that never comes out but just freezes your face in mute despair, then you and I have something in common. If you can’t understand them for the life of you, even though you’ve tried so hard, when that dislocation makes you feel like you’re the only one of your species on the planet, I know I can confide in you. If this endless ghetto of lies and heartbreak, this life-long run of fences and flickering neon signs, night sweats and suicidal urges makes you feel like stopping, just stopping, like stopping breathing, wait. Wait. You don’t have to tell me your name. You don’t have to prove yourself to me. I accept you. If you’re finding life to be the one thing that’s trying to kill you, I want you to stay alive to rise with the sun and fight back.”- Henry Rollins

Holy shit

I've had about four or five major life bombs dropped on my family and I as of late. I feel so much confusion and pain but it's nice to watch as our family (friends included in this) pull together for support. We all joined for dinner where we drank, laughed and momentarily tried to forget and ease the pain for my brother- the person I admire and love most in this world. I'm crying as I write this. I told him, "things are not okay now but, I promise they will be." Listening to John Darnell to begin the healing process.

I have the overwhelming urge to cry over a boy. I have never done that. I have never cried over a boy I liked. Even as a teenager. I usually keep myself pretty guarded from rejection. I have extremely low self esteem... I know I'm not pretty so I usually don't out myself out there which is why I have had a total of one boy friend ever. I liked you so much and I was convinced for once that a boy no man actually liked me back. You told me I was cute, and sexy and that my brain was sexy too. You would tell me to sleep that we could share more of the world together in the morning. I mailed you a fucking package. I put a lot of thought into that shit. I was constantly glued to my phone, making sure it was always charged just in case you texted me. I stayed up late until you got off work. Maybe I shared too much with you too fast? Maybe I was too honest? I tend to do this thing where I just share my feelings and say whatever is on my mind. I told you how much I liked you so you responded by not responding at all.

The continuing saga of that boy.

Looks like we are back to not talking. I sent the last text three days ago. I want to text him but I am being stubborn and waiting until he responds.

I have so much self doubt and so many self confidence issues but I just keep telling myself that I am fucking awesome and if he can't realize that than he is missing out and not the other way around. I keep trying to tell myself that any guy would be lucky to have me but I know deep down that's not true.

Limbo, twenty three, a boy.

I feel like I am in limbo. I am constantly in this like awkward transition. I am changing a lot from the girl I used to be. I am more bold in some aspects and yet still shy and awkward in my most daily interactions. A lot has happened; a lot is happening. I really want to write about my job ( I want to be able to look back on these memories of my first year in teaching) but every time I try to sit down and put it into words nothing comes out. I am not sure if I am exactly where I am supposed to be or if I am still missing something major.

I am the only one in my core friend group who is not living with there parents in the same suburban area we all grew up in together. This makes it hard to relate to them on some level and to really discuss if what I am feeling is normal for twenty three. There's also this boy. The boy I wrote somewhat scathingly about in my last post. Not long after that post things got somewhat  back to normal between the two of us. I like him a lot. Maybe too much. I can't tell if he still likes me (in that way). Sometimes I wonder if I truly like him or if I like the attention he gives me, Let's be honest I am not a girl who gets a lot of attention from guys (this is rare!) so it does feel nice to have someone who goes out of their way to text you, or send you a cute selfie, or flirt with you, or call you babe, and tell you that "he's sweet on you". However; these things have been happening less and less recently. I used to stay up until after midnight when his shift ended just so I could text him good night. We'd sometimes stay up texting until 5 am when I had to go to work, Now we still text everyday but it's not the same, I wonder if he is bored of me,  I know that a few months before we met he got out of a pretty serious relationship and isn't looking to jump into anything right away. I mean he has made it clear to me that for now we are just friends and I have made it clear to him that I like him and whatever happens with that is up to him, I even mailed him a handwritten letter, a drawing, a mix tape on a flash drive, and a headphone splitter (he is a musician and has talked about coming to visit me soon from BoCo so I said we could use it to listen to music together, I painted a C on one side for him and an A on the other for me). He liked the gift a lot... I am such a dork, He even showed it off to his roommate but it's been a bit now and no concrete plans of us actually meeting have been in the works, I know money is tight for him too and that neither of us have a car but I really just want to meet him, hold his hand, hug him, listen to music together and watch Netflix. I also worry that he wont like me. I mean he knows what I look like but I worry that he wont think I am pretty in person.  I worry too much this I know but still it makes me smile just to know he thinks about me sometimes. We have good conversations and I have fun flirting with him so in the end I just try to leave it at that and not over think shit so much, Fingers crossed that it all works out.

I don't quite know how to start this post. It has been awhile since I have found the time to write down my thoughts and I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin.

I am now 4 months in to my first year of teaching and I am surviving (and hell I'll even dare say sometimes thriving at what I do). I'll write more on this later (too much to say here... I need to organize my thoughts).

 I am 3 months in to living on my own for the first time (paying rent without my parents help, buying my own groceries and doing my own laundry). There are times when I really like living on my own and then there are the nights that seem too long with no one to talk to and the loneliness can be overwhelming. My best friends live an hour away (as does my family) which is why I have spent almost every weekend at my parents.

I live in a "hip, young neighborhood" and have yet to connect with anyone besides my coworkers. How do people my age make friends now days? Tinder. I downloaded Tinder, uploaded my best photos, wrote a little about me, swipped and waited. And then an adorable musician asked me, "what foods do you enjoy cooking?" I responded, we chatted, I flirted, he enticed me with his vast music knowledge, we watched movies over Netflix together, he flirted even more, we exchanged selfies, and for the first time in years in was really really excited about a guy. Then one night when we were flirting he asked me if I was a virgin. I replied truthfully that yes I was. He got freaked out. Said oh I still like you but thats too much pressure. I don't know how thats any pressure. I wasn't asking him for sex. All I was asking for was conversation (which flowed easy for us) and yes the flirting was nice. He made me feel special. For once I felt attractive and young. Now we send an occasional text to each other but nothing more. No more flirtatious responses, no more music chats and no more Netflix movie nights over the phone. It makes me feel like shit. Like I don't matter... Like our previous conversation and connection doesn't matter. I know it was only like 2 months but it can still sting. The after effects are lingering. I hate being reduced to a sexual act. Not having anyone to talk to makes the hard stuff at work even harder. I don't know what twenty three is supposed to feel like... Maybe this is it.

I write so that in the future I may remember my past.

I rarely ever log on to here any more. In fact, I rarely ever write just for myself. I think there is something important about writing and preserving memories--little bits and pieces of your life that you can look back at years later. Knowing who you are at the very core--bruises and all-- and where you have come from is I believe essential when looking to be fulfilled in any meaningful way. Awhile ago, I thought about just abandoning this blog but today as I logged on for the first time in months, I felt proud staring at my blog archive going back to 2009, a total of 249 posts--starting from my senior year in high school all the way through my college career.

Another way that I like to keep track of time and memories are these Polaroid post cards. I write a letter to myself on my birthday each year and than the next year I open and read it. On the outside I include quotes, songs, poems and my most recent FaceBook status. On this inside I write a short letter which usually includes; musings, my goals/dreams and any personal stuff I want to look back on (sometimes these are embarassing). I have these postcards laid out all the way until 2033 when I will turn 41 years old. Below are photos of the card I wrote myself last year for this year as well as the new card I wrote which I will open in a year. I also, found $20 that I had left for myself when I sealed the card last year--happy birthday to me!

Written on March 26, 2013

To be opened on Match 26, 2014

Age 22-23 years old

Songs/ Poems:

22- Taylor Swift

Let that be enough- Switchfoot

This year and how to survive- Chad Sugg

Most  recent FaceBook status:

"On lifes constant limitations- Calvin: You know Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship under pants don't help."

"Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do; there are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the Earth." -Rumi

"Hello Selfie! 

Wow today you turned 22 but, as you are reading this you are 23. This past year ha been one of the toughest in my life. When you read this I hope that school hasn't been making you feel so suffocated. I hope that student teaching is good! I hope life is good! Do you still see M** the Starbucks cutie? Do you work at TCBY? I hope you always remember the pain you felt at 21 so that you never feel that way again. You are beautiful! You are smart! You are strong! You are enough! Are you spending time wih God? Because, he is truly the only one who can help you in life. I hope at 23 you still want to do the Peace Corps or teach in Africa! Stay as young and idealistic at heart for as long as possible. 

Love, 

22 year old you!

XoXo

The sacred act of sharing meals

It wasn't until I had spent a few years living away from home--five hours away  to be exact--at college that my belief in the sacred act of sharing meals became foundational to many of my core beliefs.

I grew up in what I thought was a normal suburban household. My family ate dinner together practically every single night. The table was filled with laughter, stories from everyones day, political debates and my mother reminding us to appreciate her food because there were children starving elsewhere. I thought that every family had the luxuary of eating meals together and of the quality time spent around the table. It wasn't until I was in high school and college that I began to realize what a rarity this actually was. Many of my friends had parents who worked late, or siblings whos busy after school schedules conflicted with one another so they were left eating at staggered times.

My first year living in the dorms--I absolutly dreaded the days when my friends were busy, when we had conflicting class schedules and when I was forced to eat alone. However; I charished the moments and there were many of them when I would have 10-15 friends crammed at a table once again sharing laughs and stories. At this time in my life these close friends became a family. I remember sitting over dinner--in the "Mav Pav" as we called it at the time--when I broke down and told my friends that I had found out earlier that afternoon that my Grandfather had passed away. They ssupported me with encouraging Bible verses as I chowed down on the greasy and delicious pizza.

Since moving back to Denver I have witnessed how communal meals build relationshps. Ironically, I have been provided a free meal fom my homeless friend Marcus. We have sat outside and shared PBJs while we discussed eduation, God, our pasts and our futures. This was one of my first interactions with Marcus--a man I now consider a friend. I once bought a meal for a student who left his wallet at home. We ate together and I realized then how much two complete strangers could have in common. Altough I haven't run into him again this was a moment that positivly touched and changed me. I quit believing the old addage "stranger danger"--well at least not in all circumstances. Another time I was asked out to lunch by a homeless man who invited me to eat the free food at Saint Francis with him. We sat on the Church steps and I vivdly remember him telling me that someday I would be a great teacher who would change the world. His words touched me. I was involved in a sacred moment through the act of meal sharing with a man I unfortunately never saw again.

I have shared frozen yogurt with a street performer on 16th street mall, chowed on Thi food with a high school friend I hadn't seen in years, and built relationships around the philosophy that there is something sacred and Christ-like about sharing meals.

A short & sweet magnetic poem I wrote awhile ago.

Welcome to 2014

Spent last night, ringing in the new year and celebrating Watch Night (despite doctors recommendations that I stay home because of pneumonia) with the band 'The Oh Hello's'. Sang Christmas music to beating banjos, violins, accordions, drums and harmony's that sang praise to Gods glory with two of my oldest and best friends.

"This is a brief life but in its brevity it offers us some splendid moments, some meaningful adventures." -Rudyard Kipling

Unfortunately, during my winter break I have been sick; just hoping to heal before student teaching begins in less than a week (I am really excited/ nervous!!).

I am very excited to begin this year and the next chapter of my life!!!

I watched this video a few weeks ago, and along with some research I have decided that I am very interested in Quakerism and becoming a Quaker Friend. I feel a spiritual calling and kinship into the Quaker faith community from God.

I have no new years resolutions; I only hope to be happy, healthy & faithful to follow God down whatever spiritual path he leads me. Blessings be to all!

Philippians 3:13-14 
No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. (NLT)

Long overdue update!

It seems crazy to me that I haven't updated this blog since May. I'm sorry to anyone out there who may actually follow this. Life has been a whirlwind. I guess I'll starts where my blog last left off. The semester ended and summer began.

This summer was by far the best summer in  my short life.

In June my brother got married and I was a bridesmaid in the wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony. This is a memory that I will cherish forever. I felt so blessed to be a part of a union between two people so in love. Too many details and stories to recount here.

At the beginning of the summer I was "working" two jobs, 70+ hour weeks and loving every minute of it. My first job was the same one I have held at the FROYO shop for two years now--I worked 4 nights a week. My second job (M-F) was through the Center for Urban Education & Denver Public Schools--a 9th grade college readiness camp. I cannot say enough about the impact this camp had on me. I worked with two mentors and we had 14--amazing and bright beyond their years--kiddos in our group. We went to 3 college classes, including a 3D printing CAD class where I saw the future of engineering & manufacturing. I also saw several of my students grow exponentially through the professors encouragement. If they so choose, I know they will be our future engineers & architects. In the English class  I worked along side my professors to give the students the opportunity to tell their stories to the world. One brave students' story brought me to tears. I cannot hear Bob Marley's 3 little birds without thinking of her--I wish her the brightest of futures. The kiddos toured colleges like CSU & learned to communicate and advocate for themselves in a public speaking class. I feel so blessed to have been a part of the camp and to have met these individuals.

The camp ended early July, so I picked up more shifts at my other job, hung out with friends and began to study for the PRAXIS test. A test that you have to pass in order to get your teaching license. All of this was fairly relaxing and a nice break from my previously stressful semester.

Then, in August I traveled with my parents and my Grandma to Italy, Spain & France for the most amazing (well, mostly... the places were breathtaking but, my parents fought some) 12 days. Again, too mych to recount day by day here. Highlights included: The Colosseum, The Vatican, Trevi Fountain, FC Barcelona futbol stadium tour among others!

The week before school started back up I took my PRAXIS exam and passed :). For someone who has  a learning disability and has always struggled with test taking, this boosted my confidence in my subject area and my ability to teach it to students.

School started back up and unfortunately with that came the stress. On Monday I submitted my student teaching application... heres to hoping for the best outcomes! The future is bright and God has continually blessed me & challenged me.

I'm sorry there is not much detail writing here for most of my events. I feel that they deserve much more time and attention than I am capable of giving them right now but, that in no way indicates that those events were any less impactful or life changing for me this summer.

Peace!

Dear me, Please listen to this message in year!

Yesterday I cried to my Mom

I admitted to her that I have been deeply deeply depressed for a few months now. I told her that this has been the worst few months of my life. I am having a life crisis, a melt down of epic proportions. I am SICK TO DEATH of school right now I wish spring break was a few months longer. I have never in my life been so anxious, depressed and stressed out as these last few months have made me. My best friend in my major switched majors because she hated feeling this stressed all the time. I have very few friends, I hang out with my Mom and her friends more than anyone else. I have no one to talk to and I have a shit ton to do before tomorrow so back to the grind. I am breathing deep and I know all will be okay. Please pray for me (if anyone reads this which I doubt). "I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me..."

EVERYTHING MAKES ME MISS YOU!

Happy St. Patrick's day to my Irish father Noel! Miss you and love you! Send me the luck of the Irish will ya? forever in my heart and on my mind.

I wonder if I missed out

Last night, I stumbled upon the "Colorado Mesa University Confessions Page" &  a "CMU Missed connections page". Reading through countless logs it made me wonder if I have missed out on the "college experience." There were post about parties (the kind you think of when you think of college), and more disturbing party/ sex stories that my virgin eyes didn't need to read. Although I am sure some of these logs are made up, some are also real. People detailed countless drunken nights, awkward dates and missed connections. I honestly couldn't relate to ANY of the posts on the "Confessions Page." At first it made me wonder if Mesa had changed that much since I left (become more of a party school) or if I was just nieve and had missed out on a right of passage. While I will NEVER be the girl that has random meaningless sex, and gets drunk every weekend, I see nothing wrong with going to an occasional party. You could say I was a part of the "Jesus group" at Mesa (which I am proud of) & the "housing group" which meant parties I went to included board games, movies and snacks. I guess maybe I am longing for someone i'll never be. I definitely would not change my friends at Mesa or anything I did while I was there because it was the BEST but sometimes you gaze at the other side and wonder is the grass is greener? I'm turning 22 this month and have never been drunk, never been out clubbing, partying or to a bar (for the specific purpose of just drinking and meeting guys). I don't like makeup or short dresses. I know I am a cool person, so why do I feel the need to prove my self through these ridiculous acts that other girls put on? I don't know.... I feel like I'm missing out and i'll be the English teacher forever alone with my books. Rant done.

I am tired

I am tired of spending 20 hours on a single lesson plan only to get a "B"
I am tired of professors telling me,
 "statistics show that close to 50% of fresh college grads with teaching degrees quit the profession within the first five years."
"You'll be in school from 7-5 and up grading papers and writing lesson plans until 3 am."
"If your lucky enough to get hired right out of college, it will most likely be the day before school begins so you will have no prep time"
"You'll have days where you just want to cry but can't and years where your flat out not the best teacher you could be"
"You have to worry about standards, administrators, parents, 30 year knowledge, CEC classes and most importantly students lives"
And now to sleep. :)

Whimsical

I leave art work made from scraps of food in coffee shops; I pretend my shadow is a person following me and create elaborate stories in my head of a great escape, involving witty remarks, I draw stars that exist only in my mind and write the endings to stories that have yet to begin; I believe the depth of one's life is measured by the number of times they make another person smile. Smile. Gapped tooth, big lips, coffee stained smile. People are like constellations; we are each our own bright star and when we connect with others we make pictures in the sky. I create silly faces from scraps of food at coffee shops. Smile please.

Well, sometimes I feel crazy.

I remember the semester before I transferred sitting on the floor of my room in Monument hall crying on the phone to my brother telling him between gasps of breath that all I really wanted was to do something meaningful, to do something that made a difference. I told him I didn't want a normal life, a boring life. I wanted to change the world for the better when I graduated. I asked him if I was crazy? He said no.

Shaker

Is it really so ridiculous to think that I might just be able to change the world.

Obligatory new years post

I know it's cliche but here goes New Years Resolutions or whatever one wants to call it...

1. Get Good Grades! (I have been doing pretty good so far but know that I can be doing better!) :)
2. Stay Positive! (It's really as simple as that)
3. Give EVERYTHING To God!
4. Get Into "Shape"! (I know it's cliche but it's also something that I want for myself.)
5. Give More!
6. Get More Involved! 
7. Spend More Quite Time! (Away from books, electronics, Facebook, music etc.)

tbc....